I'm Not Over
by dnoelle
Summary: One choice can alter the course of the rest of your life. What if Ana didn't immediately go back to Christian after the red room incident? What happens when our couple is dealt a hand they never expected? How will they handle everything? Will they come out of everything together? Or will they fail to make it work?
1. Chapter 1

AN: I have posted a few fic before with a different screen name and email which I couldn't get into. Mostly fluffy bunny stuff for BtVS. Now, older, the FSOG realm intrigues me. Please keep in mind that I have not written in awhile and have no clue what I'm going to do with this story. This story is a thought I've had in the back of my mind. I read all three books right as soon as they came out and am now listening to them on audio. I love it again a second time around. Positive and constructive feedback is appreciated. Please don't send hateful messages or nasty feedback. Don't like it, don't read it. Slightly AU as there are no kids just yet. Wish me luck.

Everything belongs to E.L. James. Just borrowing.

Ana's POV

He...wha...how? I sit here baffled and exhausted at the same time. I lay here and I keep running through this in my mind over and over. One minute I'm angry, the next I'm sobbing uncontrollably and then the next I'm laughing like a lunatic. What in the *hell* could Christian Grey see in me, anyway? I'm just a "regular" person. Not apart of the rich world or BDSM world. I should have known it was all too good to be true. Someone loving me. I asked him to punish me. See how bad it could get. I knew deep down I couldn't really handle it. I just wanted to touch him, be the one he could lean on. Be what he was to me. His mood changed so much and it hurt so much. I say that a lot when it comes to him "too much".

'But you said it was okay, dumbass', my subconscious reminds me.

I never want to feel what I felt in that room ever again. After I left that room and had my good cry we had a moment where I thought I would stay. Until he said he should let me go and was so frightened that I said I'd fallen in love with him. He begged me to stay and that confused me. What else would I do? There was no way I was staying.

I still feel numb. Like my short time with Christian was like watching a movie on fast-forward. My eyes are swollen and my head hurts. My hopes for life with Christian were foolish at best.

'I was the only one in love. It was all fucking..only fucking'. I remind myself, which hurts more than anything else. In the back of my mind, I know I did the right thing by leaving. But it doesn't take away from the fact that this hurts. Far more than anything I ever thought I could feel. I still feel like a failure. Like I wasn't able to "reach" my fifty.

I feel myself start to bubble up with a little anger again. I remember when Taylor drove me home. He handed me a handkerchief and I could help but feel like this isn't the only time he's driven home a damsel in distress, broken-hearted over Christian Grey.

This is what my life has become. I have been feeling all of this on repeat every night since I left. On the third day Post-Christian, I got a lovely bouquet for roses, for a good first day and thanking me for the glider for him to build. I refused to reply. And an email on day four. I deleted it. I couldn't bear to read it. If I'm going to stick to my guns, I cannot fall for his fancy flowers and email "checking in". I refused to let him take me to Jose's gallery opening. I'd rather be car-less. So, I decided not to go after all. I'm a hot mess and the last thing I would ever want to do to Jose is to bring him down on this huge day for him. He understood when I called and was placated when I agreed to call him when I was ready to get out of the house for a lunch.

So again, here I lay. I should be at the gallery opening. I'm a shitty friend. 'Knowing your luck, Christian would be there anyway Steele,'. My subconscious remind me.

"Yeah, yeah," I mutter aloud, to no one in particular. Maybe I've gone mad. Since my best friend is on some sandy beach somewhere enjoying herself and I'm here in bed I figure why not talk to myself. I grumble when I think about how I probably should at least get up to use the facilities. That won't go away, even though I've made just about everything else go away.

I get up and walk into the bathroom and as I turn the light on, I see myself in the mirror for the first time in who know's how long. My hair is a tangled mess. I look like a mixture of hung over and half dead. My eyes are sunken in and I look like a bus hit me. I've lost weight, I can just feel it. And of course see it. At least 10 pounds. Sheesh. 'So much for sticking to your guns and being okay, Steele'.

I grab my toothbrush and roughly brush my teeth. I'm now angry with myself. I'll be better tomorrow, just one more night of wallowing and then I'll be fine. I'll snap myself out of this. I don't know if I actually believe that, but I have to. I pull back my covers again and slip into bed. Looking over to the bedside table, I notice it's 10 pm. It's getting late and I'm tired. I also notice the birth control pills. Guess I won't need those anymore. I grab them and throw them, hard against the door and a couple pills escape and I break the plastic package on impact.

"Fuck you, Mr. Grey," I mutter as I pull the covers over my head and wait til morning comes. I at least have my job to get up for in the morning.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Wow. Amazeballs. I'm so happy to have followers to me as an author and my story. Thank you for 99% positive feedback. I'd like to make this a longer story, so I'm taking my time with it. I would like opinions on how those of you reading it would like me to proceed at the end of this chapter. I made this one longer. Enjoy.

Thank you all so much.

The shrill of the alarm is the first thing that I hear. It's unwelcomed. I wanted to start new. Told myself no more wallowing. Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I like this version of pain too much. I throw the covers off me and grab my brush off the bedside table. "I'm going to make the best of today," I say aloud, not sure if I believe my own words.

Luckily, the apartment isn't too far from SIP, so I just walk. Not like I need another physical reminder of Christian. I'm Christian free now. Just like a recovering alcoholic, I am sober. I got this. I've come to enjoy these walks this week, as I can free my thoughts before starting work. Jack Hyde is a creepy pain in the ass. But, whatever, it's a job. That I'm still ecstatic to have. I open the doors and the hairs stand on the back of my neck. I get the feeling I'm being watched. Before entering, I look around and notice nothing out of the ordinary, but I just can't shake that feeling. I shrug it off and return my thoughts to work. "Here we go," I whisper under my breath.

I already have Jack's coffee in hand, so I don't have to listen to him ask for it. I just want him to leave me alone. I set it on his desk. He must be in a meeting, lucky me, and then quickly I get back to my desk. It's just something about him..gives me the creeps. I plaster the best smile on my face I can and exhale.

As I exit SIP, I take a deep breath and smell what can only be described as Seattle. I love this city. I was meant to be here. Throughout the day, I began to realize that I need to get out of this funk and just move on. Sure, I'm alone. But, I couldn't deal with the bullshit, so I left. So here I am making it on my own. Not so sure how I'm going to do, but I can do this. I am hungry. And I think I've let my hunger strike go on long enough.

As I walk into the diner across the street from my apartment, I take another deep breath and exhale. The hurt is still there, but I have chosen to refuse to let it get to me. Five days of wallowing is long enough.

I sip my iced tea and await my turkey club. I check my phone and realize that I haven't had any calls. My phone isn't going to be ringing off the hook. I get to be back to my version of normal. I like my iPhone better than that damned blackberry. Damned stalker and his tendencies. Probably has a tracker on this thing too. I chuckle at the idea. I haven't heard from him today which is and isn't surprising at the same time. I expected to hear from him, but I didn't really want to. My feelings are apparently all over the place

The nice waitress drops off my foot and I devour it. I really need to remember to eat. I should take better care of myself. Maybe get a haircut while I'm at it. He liked my hair long, so why not cut it?

I pay for my meal and head into the hairdresser next door. One of those walk in places you know. Hmmm, how do I want my hair?

"Hi, my name is Sandy! How do you want you hair cut today?" Sandy beams, looking at me. She's one of those really perky stylists with too much make up and a short spiky haircut. She makes me smile.

"Surprise me," I say, just trying to go with the flow. Everything had been planned out for me. I had no say in things before a few days ago, so now, it's my turn. I'm going to do what I want. It's my hair anyway. 'He loved your long locks' my subconscious reminds me. Well, too damn bad. My give a damn is busted. I'm over it. I'm 21 years old, I can make my own decisions. My anger starts to bubble again and I tense.

"Honey, I don't want to cut your hair too short on this side, relax and dip your head down," Sandy tells me. I obey. I feel like I'm shedding my unwanted baggage. It is amazing how a little haircut can do that.

Twenty minutes later I'm at roused from my thoughts by Sandy asking me what I think. I look at the mirror for the first time since the first cut. It's awesome. It's just above the shoulders in an angled bob with medium length bangs. Very sophisticated. Gives me some of my spunk back. I exhale loudly, releasing some of my tension. New beginnings, right?

"Ana? Whatever guy made you feel this way doesn't deserve you. Be sure to take care of yourself," Sandy says as I leave. I smile ever so slightly and nod and wave to her. I'm trying to take care of myself. I really am. Today is the first day I even felt like I could break out of this funk. This feels good.

I pull out my phone so I can at least check in with my mother. I have been avoiding her calls ever since I returned from Georgia. If I'm honest, I've been ignoring a lot. Ignoring calls, my own feelings and fears, my health. No more. I'm going to just suck it up. Nothing else really to do. As I send my mother a short message, I look up suddenly and literally run into someone.

"Oh, shit, I'm sor-", I stammer, then look up. Oh, great.

"Ana, hi," Mr. Carrick Grey is standing there, gripping me by shoulders, trying to prevent me from falling over.

"Mr. Grey, hi-how…hi," I say, caught off guard.

"Ana, it's so good to see you. We haven't heard how you're doing. Let me take you to dinner and catch up," He asks.

"Oh, no, Mr. Grey, I've already eaten, thank you though,"

"Please keep in touch with Grace, she saddened you're not around anymore, you know with Christian," He pleads.

"I will Mr. Grey. Tell her to give me time, but I will keep in touch,"

He nods, in understanding. I think he gets that I feel weird about calling Christian's mother. I adored her, but it's still weird. If I was going to run into anyone, I certainly would have never thought it would be Carrick.

I sigh as I sit down on the couch in Kate and my apartment. She'll be coming home soon, with Elliot no less, and then I'll have to hear all about the Grey family. Maybe I should leave. Start over somewhere. Somewhere where there is no worries of running into him or even having to hear about him. I stop that train of thinking right there. I love this city. I'm not sure I could just up and leave it, over a bad break up no less. I don't just run away. 'But you did,' says the annoying subconscious

I go into my room and in my closet. I switch into my stretchy capris and a tank. Maybe I can run off the rest of my worries. Well, not run. I've never really been much of a runner or walker for that matter. Maybe just do a little walking and jogging. I grab my iPod and headphones, put on my shoes and start my walk.

I kind of like this whole working on me thing. Everything I did today was for me: go to work, eat what and where I want, cut my hair, and then took a leisure walk around Seattle. I have some frustration, and not the good kind, that needed to be worked out. I'm nearing my apartment when I look forward and see him.

About two blocks down from my apartment, at the end of this relaxing walk to clear my head, all the sudden I see Christian. Walking into some bistro. And, is that a woman he's with? Just as I feared would happen. 'You live in the same city in the same general neighborhood, moron, of course this would happen'. Well I feared seeing him, of course. But, not five days after we part ways he's out to dinner with another woman? My temper flares. I have it in my right mind to walk right in there and give him a fucking piece of my mind. What an asshole.

I stride, rather stomp my happy ass over to the door but stop short as the sky opens and a heavy rain begins. Thanks Seattle. I look through the windows, at Christian at his table with this woman. He catches a glimpse of me. I huff and it looks like a spit almost with the amount of water coming out of the heavens. And I'm off. I'm not a runner, but I run now. He saw me soaking wet staring at him through a window to a nice bistro. This just keeps getting better. I cross the busy street, nearly getting hit by a car and hear my name.

"Ana! STOP! Please?!" I hear Christian yell and plead all at the same time.

No way. Not gonna happen. I'm a sopping mess and you're with another woman. You're an asshole. I make it inside my building after nearly sprinting from the restaurant and pause in the lobby, catching my breath. Then decide to take the damn elevator. I've had enough exercise today and I just want to get into my place and crash. This is what I get for thinking I was ready. As I lock the door, there is a loud pounding on it.

"Ana, please open the door," Christian says, pained.

I run my hand over the door to the lock and unlock it. I pause at the handle.

Should I?

A/N: Should she?! What do you guys think?-Noelle


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: You guys are incredible. Thank you so much for the kind words yet again! I hope you are all pleased with what I've decided for this chapter. Again, I am taking this slow for a reason. Just stick with me and I promise not to disappoint. Your reviews alone made me want to put out another chapter today :)

"Ana," he breathes. Like I've physically wounded him. As if I have ripped his heart out. It's agonizing. 'Sounds familiar, don't it?' my subconscious reminds me.

"Fuck," I breathe. I lean against the door, torn. I look through the peephole. There's that face again. His hurt face. It's contorted into a mix of hurt and agony, if that's possible. He has no poker face, that's for sure.

I turn the knob.

"Christian," I breathe. He closes the distance between us as if his life depends on it.

"Ana, oh God, Ana," His arms around me make me freeze. I'm stuck in this spot, in this moment. He quietly sobs into my neck.

"I saw you in the rain and you looked so hurt. Before you say anything, that's Ros. My number two. I'm taking some time off of GEH and she's stepping in for me. Please don't think I would, could ever…" he trails.

I don't change my stance. As hurt as I was, I was running away from him as much as I was the situation. Even if he'd been alone, I would have ran. First, um, rain. Second, it's my fifty. After not hearing from him, even though I'm still torn about whether or not I want to, it made this a little easier. It was as if he finally respected what I wanted. And was giving me space. We desperately need that. Even now.

I step out of his embrace. I'm stuck inside my head right now and don't even know what to say, what I could say.

He caresses my face, and for the first time I notice I'm crying. Why? Why now? Why infront of him? FUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

I swat his arm away. I look him square in the eye. And I say nothing. I am speechless or catatonic or something. Why the hell can't I form words. Being around him makes me a mess. Makes me happy, sad, angry, uncomfortable.

"Please, Anastasia. I love you," My heart sinks. Of course I want to hear this. I need to hear this. I still think I was the one in love, and he was was just enjoying the kinky fuckery and only playing along to pacify me.

I open my mouth. And nothing. WHAT THE HOLY HELL?! I want to tell him to leave. I want him to claim me, profess that I'm his, and never leave the bedroom. I want to smack his heartbroken face. Apparently I want a lot. I just stand there. Speechless, like an idiot. I'm mad at myself for letting him, I'm mad at him for making me feel this way. And I need his touch. I feel like a starved man staring at a buffet.

"Ana say something. Are you okay? You look, so...different. I'm worried about you,"

Oh that just pisses me off. I'm doing the best I can here, asshole. It's not like you didn't help to get me here. I can blame him all I want, but I'm the one to blame. I'm the one not strong enough, yet. But strong enough for what? His fifty shades of fucked up or my life without him.

He grabs my upper arms and shakes me, as if trying to jolt me awake. I'm right here, I hear you. My mind screams it. Maybe I should speak. But, I'm afraid of what I'll say. I want him surrounding me, to get lost in him and us. The thought also frightens me. I've become something I don't like.

We are both soaking wet from the "timely" downpour. See, this is what happens when I exercise. Damnit. I take his duster off him and put it on the back of the chair at the table in the kitchen. I come back and offer him a towel. Never saying anything. 'Speak, BITCH'.

I open my mouth as I hand them the towel. But nothing comes out. I close it immediately. I turn around and go to my room and pull out a clean pair of sweats and a tank. I come back to an obviously equally speechless fifty. His face is a mixture of shock and hope. I didn't know that was possible. No poker for fifty. I can see right through it. I want him to feel the hurt I felt getting whipped like a sub. Like property. Like I was just something, not someone. Like I, Anastasia Steele, didn't matter.

He takes the towel and begins to dry his hair. He keeps looking at me. Is it pity? Fuck your pity. Maybe it's sorrow. Or anger. Who the hell knows. He's fucked up. 'Pot, kettle' I'm reminded.

He extends his hand, with the now damp towel and I reach for it. But, instead, he drops it gently grabbing my wrist and pulling me to him. Enveloping me, crushing me to him. He kisses me. It's a fevered, full of need. As if this kiss means more than anything in the world right now. And I'm sinking. Sinking into him. Letting him take me away from my contradicting thoughts. No see-saw here. Just pure need. And for him.

He brushes my hair back, as if out of habit, but it's not as long as he had liked. He cups my neck and sticks his tongue in my mouth, reclaiming me. Acting as if nothing has happened. And for a moment, I get lost in it. In him. I partake, but for only a moment.

I push him away and try to catch my breath. Breathless, I smack him. Hard. He looks at me, shocked and confused. I step toward him and grab around him, for the door handle. He steps aside and silently, as if wounded, leaves. I shut the door, quickly. Before I change my mind. I have to do this. I have to be strong. If for nothing else but me. I lean back against the door and slide to the floor. It only takes a minute before the tears begin. It's like the dam has broken. And I'm screwed.


	4. Chapter 4

Paste your docu

A/N: I don't know what's going on with this story, the chapters are showing up when you click on the story but it shows only one chapter when you search on it. I've changed the rating due to strong language and innuendo. All the feedback has been wonderful. Thank you all for reading.

A/N: I've had an issue or two with Ana's silence. It isn't meant to be immature or cowardly. It's my version of her processing everything. Everything in her life has gone so fast with Christian. She's got nothing to say, still stuck inside her head.

A/N: The song belongs to the band The Fray. No infringement intended, just a perfect song to use with this story.

The next day at work, I've had to touch up my make up a few times. My face and eyes were so swollen you could probably mistake me for having a terrible allergic reaction. I wish it was just an allergic reaction. Hyde is giving me funny looks. Thank goodness it is the end of the day.

"Ana, are you okay? Did you want to grab a bite to eat," He asks, clearly smug, but I don't know why.

"No, thank you Jack," Food. I forgot to eat again today. It's like I took a step forward and Christian ruined it. Or I let him.

"Suit yourself, Ana. I'm here if you need someone." He almost sounds giddy. I wait for him to leave the room and roll my eyes. Whatever. Worry about you. I'm just fine.

I check my phone for the first time today. I have 3 missed calls and two texts from Christian.

'Ana, talk to me please' and 'I love you so much'. And I love you, fifty. I sigh. It's just not that simple. I gather my bag and head out the door of SIP. There is a mist to the evening as I hurriedly walk home. Obviously not paying enough attention this morning for an umbrella.

As I approach my building I notice a girl, longer brown hair, standing outside the apartment, smoking a cigarette. Maybe that will calm my nerves. I head inside and immediately change into my sweats. I pour a glass of wine and exhale. Only thing I'm good at lately is breathing.

My work is great. And I'm glad. At least I have that to look forward to. I'm off tomorrow, Friday, because Jack is going to NYC. He had initially wanted me to go but at the last minute informed me that the higher ups refused to let the assistant go, due to budgetary concerns. Whatever. Maybe next time. He told me that it looked like I'd had a rough couple of days and I should take friday and relax. That was nice.

On a Thursday night, I'm at home with the TV off listening to the sound of my iPod, sipping a glass of wine. The sound of The Fray fills my ears. I get lost in the music.

_Happiness is just outside my window_

_Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?_

_Or is happiness a little more like knocking_

_On your door, and you just let it in?_

_Happiness feels a lot like sorrow_

_Let it be, you can't make it come or go_

_But you are gone- not for good but for now_

_Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good_

_Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard_

_Happiness was never mine to hold_

_Careful child, light the fuse and get away_

_'Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks_

_Happiness damn near destroys you_

_Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor_

_So you tell yourself, that's enough for now_

_Happiness has a violent roar_

_Happiness is like the old man told me_

_Look for it, but you'll never find it all_

_Let it go, live your life and leave it_

_Then one day, wake up and she'll be home_

_Home, home, home_

I want to go to him. I want to be by his side. To tell him everything that I'm feeling. But to be back in Escala, with the red room, and the memories would be overwhelming. I grab my iPhone and text the number I know so well.

"Do you have time to meet up this evening?"

An immediate response. "Yes, where?"

"The diner across from SIP."

"Be there shortly"

I change into my black leggings and boots and a grey oversized t shirt that hangs off my shoulder. I grab my wristlet and head out the door. My bangs kind of stick to my face as I walk in the mist the diner.

Somehow, he's already there with a table in the back corner. He stands and meets me. He kisses my forehead. "I love the hair, Anastasia." He says it so smoothly, flirtatiously. I offer a small smile.

I sit across from him and he immediately grabs my left hand. He is tracing my knuckles with his thumb as a sign of support. He's waiting for me to speak. What should I start with, hmmmm.

"You hurt me," I state simply. A small tear flows from my eye and down my cheek. "And you need that. I can't be that. I won't be that."

"Anastasia. You are what I want. Not that. I don't need that if I can't have you. You are like oxygen to me. I cannot fathom my life without you in it. Whatever you need, I'll do."

"Is it that simple for you? Something you needed so much and you can just let it go?"

He pauses. "I chose you. Not that darkness, Anastasia. I love you."

I pause, taking in his words carefully. Is it truly that simple? I sip at my water and he orders for us. He knows I won't order on my own.

He then grabs my hand again and continues his ministrations. I'm hurting him with my actions. That is not my intent. I've willingly given this man so much of me in such a little time that now I'm a little lost without him. I hate admitting it. I hate that I have hurt him. I've been in my own protective bubble for long enough. If I have any hope with this man, I need to open up.

"I love you, Christian," I pause and inhale sharply. I haven't said that aloud in a while. Feels good, like a load lifted off my shoulders almost. He smiles, his genuinely happy smile. And I am entranced. This is the Christian I love. "I love you so much it has physically hurt to be away from you. I miss you all the time. You hurt me. And more than just physically. I never meant to hurt you by leaving..I just-"

"Stop right there Anastasia. You have nothing to apologize for. I pushed it too hard. I made you feel like an object. Not the wonderful woman you are," he interrupts.

Really? I didn't see that one coming.

"I have been a mess these last few days, without you. You bring a light to my darker, fucked up sides and all I want is the light."

Oh, dear fifty.

Our food comes and tears both of us from our intense bubble.

"Eat, Anastasia," he orders softly.

He and I eat in an almost comfortable silence. I eat slowly and can only eat a portion of the large meal he ordered. He gets a to-go box and piles my food in there. He quickly pays the bill and offers me his hand.

"May I take you home?" He asks, pulling me up from our table and pulling me to his side. I wrap my arms around his waist and let him take me home. He is my home. I want this. We have a lot more to go over. His darkness and my newly discovered darkness inside my own head. My fears, my hopes. He needs to know it all. I cannot honestly say I gave this the try it deserves if I'm not truthful completely. Put my cards down on the table. Once and for all.

He waves off Taylor. The mist has stopped and we are walking back to my place. When he asked to take me home, I figured we'd be going back to Escala. I sigh in relief. Not sure if I'm ready to be there yet.

"I didn't know if you'd be ready to go back to Escala with me or not," He murmurs, as if yet again, reading my mind.

We get to my door, I hand him my key, and he opens it. Hesitant to go in with me. "Please," I whisper, damn near inaudible. My back and forth with him has to be pissing him off a little. It would if I were him. I just don't want to spend another night alone. I don't know what is going to happen to us. But, to be surrounded by him, is exactly what I need right now.

He takes me to my room and he reads my thoughts. He helps me change into my nightwear and he is down to his boxer briefs. I love this body. His body. He pulls my covers back and sits me down. I lay down on my bed and he is behind me, instantly, pulling me to him.

"I love you, Anastasia. I'm sorry, baby," He whispers. I immediately relax and intertwine our hands on my waist. He kisses our hands. I bring his arm around me and exhale. And feel so good right now. I'm home, encircled by Christian. I close my eyes and drift off in the most peaceful sleep I've had in nearly a week.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: 'Never Let Me Go' by Florence and the Machine is not mine. Just borrowing.

The next morning, our cocoon is disrupted by the need to use the facilities. I don't want to move. Christian is sleeping peacefully in my bed, we are face to face, and he looks so at ease. I have this effect on him. I like the sound of that, actually. I trace his face with my finger tips. I kiss him gently and then remove his hold on me.

After finishing in the restroom, I retreat to my kitchen on my tip toes and make some hot tea. I grab Christian a bottle of water and await my water to boil. I am taken aback at this change of events. Yesterday I woke up a swollen mess and today it's like I've slept a week. I chose to be that miserable. My actions caused more harm than good, for the both of us. I was in a state of unrest this last week and didn't know how else to act. It's not like situations like this happen every day to me. I'm glad I sucked it up and called him last night.

The sound of the teapot startles me when it alerts me to being ready. I pour the water and put in the bag and grab the bottled water for Christian and return to my bedroom. Kate won't be home for another couple days, so this is a safe place for us to talk. Without the inquisition.

It's early still, so I gently get back into bed, trying not to disturb Christian. I get out one of the five rough drafts I have to read by the end of next week. After the first chapter, Christian reaches out holding onto me. If the last several days were as bad for him as they were for me, he needed his rest. I know he gets nightmarish. He looks amazing. Copper hair tousled from sleep, mouth partially open taking even breaths. Quite a sight, I must say. My heart swells, thinking that maybe normal will work. Maybe, after the hellish childhood and life of BDSM, we can work. I want to be the light to his dark. To show him more than what he thinks he deserves.

He stirs awake. "Good morning, Mr. Grey," I say with a smile. He looks as me for a moment, trying to gauge the situation. It was just the other night I slapped him and kicked him out.

"Anastasia. Good morning,"

"Breakfast?" I ask, pulling back the covers and setting down my story. He grabs my arm and stops my movements. The air is momentarily sucked from my lungs. He still manages to have the effect on me, through this whole mess. Like nothing has changed. But it has.

"Christian, I-" He cuts me off with a searing kiss. The "make your knees buckle" kind of kiss. Good thing I'm sitting in bed. I'm careful not to touch him, other than to put a hand on his cheek. He makes no move to take this further or to stop my touch and I'm grateful. Words first, sex later. He releases me and we both breathe heavily.

"Mrs. Steele, breakfast would be lovely," he replies looking me square in the eye. He removes the rest of the covers from both of us and I sigh happily. This is what normal feels like.

I pull out the eggs and the cheese and the bits of cubed ham in the fridge. Thank goodness Kate had food in here. I get the spatula and the whisk and get to work. I grab the remote to the iPod dock and press play. All the while Christian is just leaning against the wall casually, ankles crossed and arms crossed. His smile says it all. He's back in his white button down opened showing his undershirt and his pants. Kinda liked just the boxer briefs.

The sweet sounds of Florence and the Machine filter through the room. I begin to hum.

Looking up from underneath

Fractured moonlight on the sea

Reflections still look the same to me

As before I went under

And it's peaceful in the deep

'Cause either way you cannot breathe

No need to pray, no need to speak

Now I am under

Oh, and it's breaking over me

A thousand miles out to the sea bed

Found the place to rest my head

(Never let me go, never let me go

Never let me go, never let me go)

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me

And all this devotion was rushing over me

And the questions I have for a sinner like me

But the arms of the ocean deliver me

He's behind me now, swaying us to the soft sounds of the music. His arms are around my waist as I make the omelets. Screw the food. Keep touching me fifty.

"You need to eat, Anastasia. You haven't been taking care of yourself," He whispers in my ear, standing behind me.

Oh, here we go. I roll my eyes. Good thing he can't see me. I flip over part of the omelet and let it finish. I plate the first and begin the second. I plate the second and he turns me around. He digs his fingers into my hips swaying us. The smoldering look on his face is enough for me. I'm melting into his embrace. We continue to sway.

Though the pressure's hard to take

It's the only way I can escape

It seems a heavy choice to make

But now I am under, oh

And it's breaking over me

A thousand miles down to the sea bed

I found the place to rest my head

"I love you, Christian," I whisper looking into that gaze. As if I'm the only person in the world.

(Never let me go, never let me go

Never let me go, never let me go)

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me

(So cold and so sweet)

And all this devotion was rushing out of me

And the questions I have for a sinner like me

But the arms of the ocean deliver me

And it's over and I'm going under

But I'm not giving up

I'm just giving in

If you had asked me 48 hours ago if something like was going to happen, I would've laughed. Not the way I was feeling in my head.

Oh, slipping underneath

So cold and so sweet

In the arms of the ocean, so sweet and so cold

And all this devotion, well, I never knew at all

And the questions I have for a sinner released

In the arms of the ocean deliver me

(Never let me go, never let me go

Never let me go, never let me go)

Deliver me

And it's over

I'm going under

But I'm not giving up

I'm just giving in

Ah, slipping underneath

Wooh, so cold, but so sweet

We need this. To know eachother better and more than with sex. There's so much we don't know about each other. He bends to kiss me. "Let's eat, Ana."

We sit at the table in comfortable silence. Stealing glances and smiles at each other. Innocent enough. No rushing this time. He clears the table and we wash the dishes together. He then leads me to the couch and so it begins.

"Ana, I don't want to lose you,"

"We should do this right, Christian. We can't just pick up from where we left off. It was too dark, too much for me. I don't ever want to be hit like that again."

"Then we won't do that. It's that simple to me. I want you and that's not something you want. I don't want to be without you anymore." He scoots closer to me and scoops me into his arms. "When I say I love you, I mean it. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm sorry for-" He begins

"No more apologies, Christian. You've suffered enough, too. Let's just take this slow and see where it goes. I need to be sure that won't happen again. It can't," I whisper that last part and her captures me in a kiss. All the conformation I need.

We spend the rest of the day laughing and catching up. He explained to me everything I needed to know. He reassured me that nothing was going to happen like that again. I still cannot understand why this man wants me. Me of all people. He wants me. And, of course, it's an ego boost. He's so handsome and smart. I am a lucky girl.

We spend the day reacquainting with each other and without the physical part. We need this. He's outside taking a phone call. We skipped lunch due to our talking and snacked here and there today. We just spent the whole day talking. He's learning to like my touch as well, as I was allowed access to his hair. We kissed and talked. Innocently enough. He opened up about how Sawyer had been the one he sent to watch me. That would explain the feeling of being watched. I appreciate the honesty. I appreciate the fact that we were able to open up to each other. I let him in completely today. Into my insecurities and my fears. He's still holding back a bit, but he's letting me in at his own pace. I laid everything out on the table for him and we're doing this. A little slower this time. We'll spend time between both places, his and mine. We will take our time being physical with each other. I'm ready but I'm not at the same time. I know he's doing this for me and so I appreciate it even more. I know he's ready to get back into that, that he deals with his issues with sex. He's opening up slowly and we are getting back on the proverbial horse. Together.

He walks back in my door and looks troubled. Uh-oh, there goes our bubble.

"Anastasia, I must go," he says, gathering his things. He leans down, "I love you. I need to take care of something. I'll call you as soon as it's all settled."

I look at him confused. What could it be? Bad news from work? I try to hide my disappointment. Apparently I don't have a poker face, either.

"I will fill you in, as soon as I can, you have my word, Anastasia. Let me just get a grip on what's going on," He kisses my neck just below my ear and I shiver.

"I love you," I offer.

"And I love you, Anastasia," he breathes. We smile at each other. There is an us again. I am elated.

He leaves and I settle in for the evening. I was going to cook us dinner, but no need now. I grab some lunch meat and make a sandwich and get back into my bed returning to my draft. I feel relieved, ecstatic, and hopeful for my future with my fifty.

Christian's POV

"FIND HER!" I scream at my staff. Taylor doesn't move but Sawyer and the rest visibly wince as I yell.

Leila is causing me such a headache. After Ana walked out, Leila managed to put herself on my radar again. Like she's been watching me and waiting. She has sent me messages and sounds off her rocker. While at Ana's, I received a call that she had purchased a firearm. What the hell could she want with a firearm. She's unstable. Her messages have been a garbled mess. As if she's lost her mind. I need to find her before she hurts someone. Or Anastasia.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Any feedback is much appreciated here. Just a reminder none of these characters belong to me just borrowing for my story. No copyright infringement intended. I am changing a few things to fit this story. As we all know, one small decision to or not to do something may change the course of everything. So, if this sounds idiotic, please let me know.

Sunday came and no call from Christian. I'm laying here, finishing the last of my drafts to read and make some notes. I'm slightly agitated. Scratch that, seriously agitated. We're at a fragile state. And NO phone call? Now, I'm being slightly selfish here, as I know this may be work related or something else but not even a text? I'm not sure what his deal is, but I'm gonna need some communication here. No more secrets, we agreed.

I finally decide to pick up my phone and attempt to call him. And, of course, straight to voicemail. Hmmmm. Well fine. I've lost my concentration now.

The fevered pounding at my door grabs my attention from my anger. What the hell? I wanted to keep pouting.

The pounding subsides as soon as I unlock the door. I swing it open to see a disheveled fifty.

"Anastasia," he simply states coming in and wrapping me up in his arms.

"What is it, Christian?" I asked, worried. Did something happen to him?

He takes his jacket off and sets it on the chair in the kitchen and leads be to the living room.

"Please, let me start off by apologizing for not coming back sooner," He swallows. "I came to see if you'd come stay with me at Escala. It's not safe for you here."

Huh-what? It's my apartment. "What? Why?" I ask, confused as all hell.

"I need to get you out of here, Anastasia. Do you trust me?" He asks, his jaw set, serious.

"Yes," I whisper.

"Then let's pack and I'll explain to you what is going on," He grabs my hand, determined to get the packing over with and back to his place.

"Long story short, there is a girl named Leila. She was a former sub of mine. She has lost it. That's why I left here in a hurry the other night," He starts as I grab my suitcase. "She has attempted suicide recently and was placed in a facility. She left the facility and has now purchased a firearm. She has disappeared. No one can find her. She has sent me some correspondence with ramblings about her "replacement". Yesterday I got a call from her stating "pick one: me or her". Not sure what she means but I can only assume she knows about you. And I refuse to let anything happen to you," he says almost afraid, as if I'm going to run away again.

I kind of want to, but with him. Not away from him. I finish packing and frown. "The other day. Christian, I was at work and as I was going in, I felt like I was being watched. I don't think it was by Sawyer either." I remember that. It didn't sit well with me. Thinking back, I was apprehensive as I looked around, having a feeling in my gut. Just wasn't paying much mind to it, as I was quite out of sorts to begin with.

His eyes enlarge and he calls what I can only guess is Taylor to update him on this. I go into my bathroom and grab some toiletries. Who know how long this is going to go on. He is quite overly cautious and protective. So until the threat is completely over, I imagine. I grab the rest of my work and he hangs up the phone.

"Anastasia. I want no harm, physically or mentally to come to you. Please trust that I have your safety an utmost priority. I will handle this." He almost vows. I nod. This shit just got serious.

Back at Escala, we walk into the elevator and I suck in my breath. I haven't been back here since this incident over a week ago now. My stomach turns at the thought. 'We are past it, moving forward', I remind myself. I exhale and we are at the penthouse.

"Ana!" Mrs. Jones exclaims. She embraces me, and I welcome it. I've missed this place. Just not that room.

She reaches over to the counter and hands me a glass of wine. "Thank you, Mrs. Jones. It's lovely to see you."

She smiles and hands Christian a glass and disappears as per usual.

"Can I show you something?" He asks, almost as a child in some sort of trouble.

I nod. This is going to be good, is it? He takes my hand and leads me toward THAT room. I halt in my tracks, releasing his hand. I look up at him, confused. You just tell me all this bullshit and you're now going to take me into the room that tore us apart?

"Seriously Christian? You had me come over here to-" He opens the door and I am speechless. His piano has been moved into this room. No trace, other than the beautiful bed, of the dreaded room from before. No whips, floggers, etc. Just a normal room. Well as normal as you can get at Escala.

"I owe you so much, Anastasia. I wanted you to know I am serious about us. I cannot lose you again and-" I cut him off with a kiss. A kiss that says more than my words could. This is the only type of relationship he has ever known. He is trying, for me. And I could not be more grateful.

I remove my lips from his and whisper my thank you. We return to the great room and Taylor is moving my belongings to the guest room. I frown.

"Taylor, my room," Christian calls out and my frown disappears. We sit at the counter in the kitchen and he smiles at me.

"Tell me about you and Leila," I urge. I'm curious what the hell put me on this girls radar. His eyes flash anger. "If she's got issue with me, I think I deserve to know why."

He sighs aloud. "I-she-we were in the "dom/sub" relationship. About three years ago. Her contract was up and we parted ways, what I thought was amicably. She had married since and when her husband died….she kind of lost it. Tried slitting her wrists. I've kept tabs on her since she called me after her husband died, just in case. Looking back, she seemed a little off. She approached me after you left Escala last week. She saw me getting out in front of the building and approached me screaming that she was mine and kept saying 'please sir'. I called Flynn and tried to get her help but she slipped away from us before he arrived. I've been getting texts and emails from her, simple ramblings. Until yesterday. We were hunting her and called me stating 'pick one: me or her'. We were hot on her track until early this morning.. She evaded us somehow, as if someone was assisting her escape and once I could I came to get you."

He is looking at me warily, as if I'm going to make a break for it. I should. This is his baggage. Not entirely his fault, but wow. That's some crazy shit. He takes my hand and pulls me from my thoughts.

"Say something, Anastasia," he says concerned.

"What's the plan?" I swallow. This man has just told me all of this and I want to stand by him. I love him. Some crazy stalker bitch is not going to ruin him. Not if I can help it.

"The plan is you stay with me until she can be apprehended. As I told you the other day, I have take a leave from GEH. At first it was to deal with losing you. I just needed some time. But then this came up….I won't let anyone or anything hurt you," he pauses "Or us."

I smile slightly and intertwine my fingers into his. We are a team. We will get through this. I just hope she doesn't hurt him. What if her ultimate goal is to hurt my fifty? Guess I'm going to have to pay extra close attention to what is going on with this. He's been hurt enough, no one will hurt him again.

"Dinner Mr. Grey?' Gail simply asks.

"Yes please, Mrs. Jones," he says, without breaking our eye contact.

She sets the counter up with the plates, salad, and refills our wine. She then grabs some chicken and cuts it up to add to our salads.

"What kind of dressing, Ms. Steele?" He asks.

"Caesar?" I ask, suddenly feeling famished. This looks good.

We eat in silence. His phone buzzes as we are finishing up and he glances at it.

"I need to take this, catch up on some work stuff, will you be okay while I take care of some business?"

"Yes, of course," I reply, contemplating what to do now. Not really in the mood for TV. Maybe I'll head to library and finish what little of my last draft I have to read.

"I'll come get you when I'm finished, Anastasia," he says, grabbing my hand and kissing it. Then, he's gone. Into his study to do God know's what. I'm on edge and I need to find something to occupy this time. There's a crazy chick that is trying to get to Christian. Trying to get through me to him. I wonder if there is anything he's holding back about the situation. Maybe it's more work stuff. Who knows at this point.

I grab the draft and head into his study. This one is good, a dreamy love story with an angsty twist. Sounds familiar, actually. I'm finished around 8 and decide to head back into the living room. There, I see Christian talking with Taylor and Sawyer. Their tones are hushed. Taylor immediately sees me and clears his throat. Christian turns and sees me. He gives me the 'we need to talk' look. He leads me into his study and we sit on the lounger.

"Anastasia. There has been a development. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but Lelia broke into your apartment," he begins. I'm stunned. "She took it upon herself to trash your room. We've let Elliot know so he can make other arrangements for Ms. Kavanaugh. Say something Anastasia."

"Is this how it's always going to be with you?" I ask, not knowing where that came from. I'm not mad at him. But, where he goes, darkness follows.

It's as if I have wounded him. "Anast-"

"Stop, I'm sorry. I know this isn't your fault, Christian."

"We'll have to go back there and get the rest of your things," he begins. "You won't be staying there anymo-"

I interrupt him again. "What? Are you serious right now? We just got back together and now you're going to dictate where I live?"

"I want you safe. I know you'll be safe here," he sighs

"I'll stay here until you find her, but I'm not just going to move in,"

"We'll see," he says with a megawatt smile on his face. I roll my eyes and he quirks an eyebrow at me, bringing a flood of memories to me. I do love this fucked up man. We'll need to have a conversation about him making decisions for me, but I decide to let the rest of it go. I'm tired.

I yawn. "Come, let's get you changed into something more comfortable," he says.

We go into his bedroom and I pull out my pajama pants and a white tshirt I managed to swipe from him. He puts his iPod into the dock and the soft music begins to sing me to sleep. He's rubbing my lower back, wanting to release the tension that sits there.

I sit on the bed. He's changed into those sweat pants that hang juuuuuuust right. Yummy. There's my man.

He seeks me out, pulling my back to his front and reveling in the closeness. I'll never tire of this. He is mine and I am his. We will remain each others. I want nothing else to come between us. I relax at the possessive hold he has on me. I'm very very very surprised he hasn't tried to make more of a mood. Not that I would be ready, but his obvious concern and not wanting to push me makes me love him even more.

"I love you, Anastasia," he whispers into my ear as I drift into a fitful sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: I have NEVER written a sex scene before, so I'm sorry if it's pathetic. I wasn't sure if this story would have one, but I've got plans for it and think it's a good time for some "reconnecting", lmao. I have warned you. Thanks for all the feedback.

I stir and notice that Christian is no longer in bed with me. It's 1 a.m., where the hell did he go? Then I hear the soft music of, not the piano like before, but of his iPod. I pull the covers off of me and make my way into the living room. Christian is standing there drenched in the light of the full moon. He is breath taking. Amazingly handsome, sexy, etc. All of the above and then some. He is still shirtless and in _those_ sweat pants. I can feel that familiar pull within me, drawing me to him. I approach him slowly, as not to frighten him. I'm not sure if he can hear me, though, as he seems so lost in thought. His hand goes through his hair and he sighs.

I reach him and wrap my arms around his waist, putting the side of my face against his back. I kiss him and he lets out a subtle moan. He pulls me in front of him, letting me get a view of this beautiful city.

"This view of this city, is almost as mesmerizing as you are, Anastasia," he whispers into my ear. I smile and touch my hand to the large window.

I turn in his arms. "Make love to me, Christian." There, I said it. I want him to take me as his again. I want to feel him inside me, filling me, claiming me. I have been without him for so long. We are meant to be.

He looks down at me and smiles. It's the "genuinely happy" Christian expression. I love that smile. He picks me up bridal style and we head to his bedroom. He lays me down gently, moving to hover over me. He takes my shirt off slowly and allows me to do the same to him. He slides my pajamas and underwear off and then moves to pull his pants and boxer briefs off. God he is absolutely amazing.

There are no words to be said. This is his best mode of communication and we communicate so well like this. I never thought I could ever have, let alone deserve something like this. He makes me feel like the only woman in the world when he is like this with me.

We are both naked and he begins to amazing trail of kisses. From my knee to my inner thigh to the top my sex. He stops there and looks up at me. "Are you sure, Ana? We don't-"

"I need you Christian. I want to be yours again, completely," I murmur, bring his face to mine. He climbs up me and is crushing my lips to his. The desperation between both of us is palpable. I'm not the only one feeling a little needy tonight. There's time enough for foreplay and teasing later. That's not what we're feeling right now. Right now is about reconnecting with each other on an intimate level. Our love-making is intense and I need that feeling right now. And there's no place I'd rather be.

He enters me slowly. The feel of him is amazing. He fits like a glove and we savor the feeling of being together as one after what feels like so long. He and I both gasp and I'm taken away by the look in his eye.

"I love you," he whispers as a small tear trickles down his face. I put my hand to his cheek and smile.

"I am yours, and I love you," and that's all he needs to hear. He begins his slow torturous pace in and out of me. I moan and adjust my hips and he slips deeper.

"God, Ana," he says through his gritted teeth. I intentionally clinch down on him and he moans into my neck. "You feel so good, Ana. Amazing."

I am pleased with myself as my orgasm takes over any coherent thought I previously had. He follows in suit and he spills himself into me. I will never get tired of the moan/grunt he lets out when he orgasms. It's the sexiest sound in the world.

He rolls off of me and pulls me close, both of us still naked. He pulls the covers over us and I sigh contentedly. "I am in love with you, Anastasia. I know I don't deserve you. You make my life complete," he whispers as I'm close to sleep over taking my body. "I will spend the rest of my life showing you just how much you mean to me."

"Never let me go," I reply and then I'm out for the night.

I wake up the next day to Christian's side of the bed empty. I roll over and grab my pajamas from the floor, remembering last night. Just his touch sends me into a whirlwind of emotions. I decide to just put on his button down shirt which almost hits my knees. It's something I like to do, walk around in his shirts, smelling him all around me. It puts me at ease.

I start by checking his study. And he's there. Taking another phone call. Isn't this Sunday? I giggle at the thought, as he didn't make his billions by taking days off, now did he? He turns around in his chair and sees me. He stares momentarily, drinking in the sight of me in his shirt. This is another reason I wear his shirt around, he seems to enjoy it.

I saunter off, leaving that image in his head, while I decide to make some breakfast. Omelets will do again. I think back to this past week. It's been like one huge mood swing after another. Anxiety and sadness then to happiness and elation then to possessive and protective all in a week based upon what was going on. Are all relationships like this? One extreme to another based upon one decision? Will the life I hope for us continue with this much drama? Can I handle another incident like the one in the red room? I know for sure that is a no. No one, not even him, will ever make me feel like that again.

As I'm plating the omelets and pouring the freshly squeezed orange juice, my fifty comes up to me and kisses the back of my neck, causing me to shiver. His touch does wondrous things.

"Good morning, Mr. Grey," I say, putting his plate on the counter. I hand him his utensils and he digs right in.

"Morning Miss Steele. I trust you slept well after I wore you out?" he snickers. Ahhhh, playful, non stressed Christian is something I'd pay to see all the time.

"I did. I trust you slept well as well?" I smirk.

"With you here, Anastasia, I sleep very well," he says, smiling sweetly. "Anastasia, I must run a few errands today. As much as I would like for you to join me, I also have some work to do so Ros can calm down a bit. Can I trust you will not leave here?" he asks, as if I'm a 12 year old child.

Seriously? One step forward, two steps back with this guy. "I am not a petulant child, Christian. I also have my free-will. I can leave and go where I please, without your permission, SIR!" I spit at him. His words and the way he spoke to me really set me off.

He drops his fork and wipes the corners of his mouth with the napkin. "I'm concerned for your safety, Anastasia. There is a girl out there trying to harm one of us if not both. You have to be on guard at all times. I can't protect you out there as well as I can here. I just want you safe…" he pauses. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

I smile stiffly. If this is going to have to work, he's not going to be able to treat me like some prisoner half the time. WE ARE EQUALS. "A plane could fall from the sky and kill me. I could be hit by a car or get into an accident. I'm not a 12 year old little girl in need of your protection from the world. I'm a grown woman, Christian. Trust that I know how to take care of myself."

He sighs. He won't win this argument. If there is one thing I've learned from our time apart, it was that I need to be abrupt with him. No being wishy-washy and thinking he understands what I mean. Direct and stern is what gets through to him. Nor will I allow someone to dictate my every move.

"I will be returning to my apartment today to gather some more things. That is all. I will allow you to have someone drive me since I have no vehicle. But that is it. No one escorting me with every step I take. I will not let some psychotic woman stop how I live my life." I grab his empty plate and scrape what is left of mine in the trash and begin to wash the dishes. I am fuming. Maybe I am being too harsh and abrupt. He's only worried about me. Regardless, he's going to treat me like an adult. Him treating me like a child or submissive is over. He's sitting there, lost in thought. I wonder what he is thinking. His silence is a little unnerving.

"Fine," he sighs, defeated. "Just please call me when you return?" he asks. I nod in response. He retreats to his room and changes, as I continue the dishes. He returns in a pair of khakis and a white button down shirt open at the top.

He bends down to kiss me on the forehead. "I love you, Anastasia."

"And I love you, Christian."

He leaves without another word and I am partially grateful. I need to help him with his issues, so being forceful and stern is something I will have to stick with in order to get him to understand. Understand how I'm not porcelain or glass, I will not break. He has to understand to treat me as an adult not some lost little puppy.

Taylor clears his throat and pulls me from my thoughts. "Lemme guess, you're driving me to my apartment?" I ask, smiling at Taylor.

"Yes ma'am," he responds with a nod.

"I'll return in a moment, Taylor," I say as I return to the bedroom to change into my street clothes. I pull out a tshirt from WSU and my faded blue jeans. My flip flops complete the outfit and we're off.

I practically demanded Taylor to remain in the R8. I realize he is only following his orders but sheesh. Seriously?! As I head up the elevator, dread and anxiety fill my head at what I'm coming home to. Kate still hasn't come back from Barbados, so I'll be the first of us to see the damage.

I go to unlock the door and notice it is already unlocked. I'll have to chat with Taylor about that. He forgot to lock the door on his way out, I suppose. I walk in and there is a trail of what looks like dried blood from the door to where my bedroom would be. 'No one mentioned this'

'Maybe I should go get Taylor after all,' I think to myself. I notice that nothing else is amiss in the living room or kitchen. Well, it can't be that…...oh it is. As I walk into my room, every piece of clothing I own is strewn about my room. My pillows look like someone took a knife to them and gutted them. My bedspread is in shambles and my dresser mirror is broken. Why? Why would anyone do this? The anxiety I feel only heightens when I read parts of the broken mirror still attached to the dresser: MINE. Woah. Crazy shit in here. My body is telling me to run and as I turn to get the hell out of this place, I am met by a small petite brunette with blue eyes. She looks so sad and...angry.

"Hello, Ana," she sneers with a knife pointed at me. "I'm Leila."


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: I want this Ana to be much more independent than the one in the book. She just allowed a lot of things that Christian did, that should bother her. One being his constant need to "protect" her. She's freakin' 21 years old. Leaving Christian was her "growing" up in a sense and reverting back to something she got away from wouldn't do the character any justice in this story. I don't claim to be a perfect writer, as I'm far from it. I'm sorry if some did not like my choice to have Ana go to her own apartment alone, even with Lelia out and about. If you recall, she went alone into her apartment with Taylor and Christian in the car in the book. I digress.

Now, anyone have any opinions on whether or not she should be pregnant? I'm debating on it. Not sure if I want to do it. Send me a PM or reply via review if you'd like to leave your opinion.

I stand, frozen in my bedroom. I'm looking at woman who has broken into my apartment, not once, but twice. She has blood coming from these cuts on her arms and she's holding a freaking knife at me. Eh, not how I saw my day going.

"You must be Leila," I say as friendly as I can muster. I'm going to have to be clever here.

"Bitch, don't even try. Christian will never love you. He is incapable," she says crudely. She walks a circle around me, twirling the knife in her hand. I take a moment to get a good look at her. She looks so disheveled. Like she hasn't bathed in a few days. She's also still bleeding. The new blood mixing with old blood. She obviously needs help.

"Why are you here?" I ask.

"I had to see for myself. The woman who thinks she can tame Christian. You have no idea what he needs. How could you? It's been, what? A couple weeks. Try more than a year of his constant orders and beatings. Then come talk to me," she says, continuing to circle me. I thought maybe this was her longing for him. No, she's angry. Really angry.

I keep my eye on her hand with the knife. I don't want to push her too far but I want answers. "If you're so in tuned to him, why are you here and not showing Christian "just how much you love him"?" I ask, sarcastically.

"Well, he seems to have a big yen for ya, so I needed to elimin-size up the competition," she corrects herself.

She started to say eliminate. Why me? She looks like me, or I look like her.

"You've got to be insane if you think you can handle him. He is mine, not yours. You are-"

"Me? Insane? You should look in the one mirror left that you didn't break. You've broken into my home, trashed it, and are here now to, what? "Teach me" a lesson?" I ask, finding my backbone.

She gives me a wicked smile. Then she back-hands me across my face. I taste blood in my mouth. BITCH.

I stand there stunned. What the hell?

Before I know it, she tackles me to the ground. And we are struggling. All the while she has the knife. I throw a punch at her face and connect, throwing her off balance. It gives me enough time to kick her in the leg and get up, attempting to make a run for it. She manages to swing the knife and get the back of my calf. That stings, a lot. But, I cannot care right now, as I try to make my way to the door so I can scream for help. Suddenly I'm back on the floor. She has me by the hair and hits my head to the linoleum floor.

I stir and am unable to move or speak. What the fuck? I am fully awake now and I realize I'm in my apartment, bound and gagged to my bed. Leila stands there, smirk and all, looking damn pleased with herself.

"I told you. You just can't handle it, can you?" I try moving my legs and arms, which is a bad move. It hurts. My head hurts. I feel a bead of, what I can only assume, is blood trickle down the side of my face. She managed to tie my feet together and my arms to the end of the bed and I'm sitting on the floor. This is not good. She grabs her cell phone and makes a call.

"Yes, it's done. Well, she won't be posing for any magazines any time soon. Did you take care of Taylor?" She asks and I gasp. Oh, no. Taylor. What did this bitch do to him? I will kill her if she hurt him. "Yes, he's my next call."

What if he's been shot and he's bleeding outside and now I cannot help him? What am I going to do? Oh God, he's hurt or maybe worse because of me. I close my eyes.

"Christian?" Leila says aloud and it pulls me from my thoughts. She's crying? Oh, she's good. "I need you. Please come. I need your help." She immediately disconnects the phone. "That gives me a little extra time. It'll take him awhile to track my cell. And by then, I'll be done with you. Rid of you."

I feel, not only pain, but a chill in my bones. She's dead serious. I can't help but wonder, what happened to this girl to make her this angry. Who got into her head?

"And don't worry. Yours will be the only death today. Taylor has just been incapacitated for the time being. Then he will be fired for letting you get hurt…" she mumbles on and I stop listening. I have to figure out a way to get out of here. She's in the other room on the phone again and I lay down sifting through the stuff to try and find something to get me out of this ductape. Is that scissors? I sit up quickly, as she's coming back

"Oh Ana. We could've been friends too," she says, crouching down to put her face in front of mine. She takes out my gag. Whew. That's better. Trying to maneuver the scissors in my hands with them bound together isn't the easiest thing to do.

"But, you took him from me. You little slut. Jack told me all about you and how you are with men! Open your legs for anyone…." she trails off, grabbing a fist full of my hair and jerking my head to the side. I wince in pain.

"Someone needs to teach you a lesson," she says chillingly.

"Really?" I ask. I decide if I'm going to do this, I'd better do it quickly. "Is that someone gonna be you?" I say evenly looking her dead in the eye. I then pull my hands apart, stabbing her in the arm that holds my hair. She screams in fury and gets out of my face.

"You little bitch," she says, out of breath. She reaches behind her and pulls the revolver, pointing it at me. "You think you know everything? You think you can have your cake and eat it too? That you can take the only man I've ever loved from me?" she says, tears falling down her face.

Very quickly this scene changes. One minute she's pointing a gun at me and then the next I hear Christian's voice.

"Leila?!" he asks, shocked at the scene before him. "ANA!" he yells, coming towards me.

"No! Step back!" She yells, tears streaming down her face, shaking the gun at him with the finger on the trigger. Sawyer appears behind him, gun drawn on her.

"It doesn't have to be this way, Leila, I can help-"

"Help me? All I wanted was you and what we had! And she took it from me," she states, pointing the shaky gun back at me.

"Lelia. Let's pretend we're in the room back at Escala, just you and me." he orders softly and her ears perk up. "Now, kneel," he orders and she quickly obeys putting her head down, not looking at him. He grabs the gun from her hand and hands it to Sawyer behind him. He stands in front of her.

"Sawyer, get Ana out of here NOW!" he demands. Sawyer cuts the tape at my feet and helps me stand.

"No! She's insane Christian! What are you doing?!" I shout.

"Now, Sawyer," he says, not looking at us. I don't understand what he is doing. Is he really going to have some kind of sex fantasy out in my bedroom and expect me to be okay with it?

"Fuck you," I manage before I'm quickly escorted out of my own damn apartment, like I'm the criminal. Not sure if I meant that to both of them or just him. He's willinging put himself with a psychopath. And became an "insta-dom" right in front of me. It's like an addiction. Mine is him and his is BDSM. He'll never be able to go without it, will he? It's like second nature..isn't it?

I storm out of my building and spin around at Sawyer. "Where is Taylor?!" I shout.

"He was knocked unconscious somehow and is in the back seat of the car," Sawyer simply says. I open the door and there is Taylor rubbing the back of his head.

"Ana!" he says, relieved to see me. "Oh thank God. I thought you were…" I trail off, not sure what I thought happened to him. I just knew it wasn't good.

"One minute I was pacing outside of your building and the next I was hit in the back of the head with what felt like a brick. I'm so sorry Ana, I should've-" I silence him quickly.

"No. You do not apologize for this. Some psychotic bitch is upstairs and Christian is in there with her. This wasn't your fault," I say, anger rising in me. I decide not to tell him what happened inside.

As I look over to Sawyer, he's vanished. But, I see police pull up behind the R8. Oh great. Now we have the police involved. 'What did you expect, she beat you up and held you against your will in your own apartment,' my subconscious reminds me. She is a sick, sick girl.

And suddenly, I begin to let it sink in. Having a gun pointed at me, Lelia threatening me, being tied up, my head hurting, our physical altercation. And it's too much. And everything goes black.


	9. Chapter 9

My head feels like it's in a vice and that I've been punched in the face. Well, I guess I kinda was. As I open my eyes, I realize that I'm in a hospital bed. Oh hell. I hate HATE hate hospitals. Not that anyone really likes them. I remove the nasal cannula from my nostrils and try sitting up. I'm suddenly dizzy. Must be after hitting my head on the floor.

"Don't move too quickly Ana. You had a nasty concussion. Your head trauma caused you to have a minor brain bleed. We're keeping you here for a few more days for observation. We need to make sure your bleed doesn't need an operation. Also, you had to be intubated. Your voice is going to be strained and it will hurt to talk. Just take your time," Grace states, hand on my shoulder trying to get me rest.

I nod. "Wow." That's all I can muster.

"I know, darling. It's scary. I came as soon as I heard," she says, caressing my face in a motherly gesture.

"Christian?" I ask sounding like a 40 year smoker.

"He's gone home to change. You've been out for about 8 hours," she states, grabbing my chart and documenting some notes.

I nod again. "Thank you for taking the time, Grace. I know you are-"

"I'm never too busy for the ones I love, dear. Now, let me put up the bed so you can sit up more," she busies herself using the remote attached to the bed to lean me up. "This is the tv remote as well. Feel free to kill the time with it. You may have some sensitivity to sound."

I smile at her. She's quite the amazing woman. I'm glad I woke up to her here. If I trust anyone with my medical care, it's her. Even though she is a pediatrician, she is one of the few doctors I trust.

"Christian should be back shortly dear. Kate and Elliot are in the air, so we've left them messages. I have called your mother, who is also in the air. Christian called Ray and he has been here and will be back in the morning. Are you hungry?" she asks. I wonder if I say no, if she has an issue with food as well.

"Soup?" I ask, thinking I could probably not swallow anything else, the way I feel.

"Sure. I'll have someone get you some. In the mean time, just rest and relax. If the pain gets to be too much, just hit this call button on your remote here. I'm going to be here a few more hours, paperwork and checking on the pediatric side. Just let me know and I'll be sure to get you whatever you need," She smiles warmly at me. "I didn't think we'd see each other again at the hospital, but it is good to see you again, Ana." She turns and leaves.

The time in my apartment runs through my head. I cannot believe what has happened in the last week. How much drama can one man have? I'm not sure how much more we can survive. I'm feeling quite angry again, as I think about him ordering me out of my own apartment to tend to her. I was the one attacked by her. And he just runs to her. I'm normally not a jealous person. But, that was quite irritating to say the least. First the enjoyment of beating me with a belt and then becoming a "dom" again with Leila. I'm sure he had a reason for doing it. But, that doesn't make it any better.

The orderly brings me my soup and a white soda. Good thing too, I'm famished. I turn the TV to some home and garden channel and let the sound fill the room. I look around and notice I'm in a private room. Thank goodness for that. I'm sure I have Christian and Grace to thank for that. I think Grace said I have to be in here for a few days. How in the hell am I going to pay for that? Sheesh! This keeps getting better and better. OH CRAP, I'm supposed to work tomorrow. I look around for a sign of my purse or phone. It's then I notice Christian standing in the doorway, a huge bouquet of flowers in his hand. Lillies, my favorite.

He walks into the room and I cannot tear my eyes away from him. He looks upset. Join the damn club buddy, I'm the one in the hospital bed.

"Anastasia," he whispers. He sits on the edge of my bed and places the flowers on my bedside table. He grabs my hand and brings it to his lips, kissing it. "I was so worried."

I nod at him, not sure what to say. He leans in to kiss me and I turn my head. He gets my cheek. I'm not really sure how I should feel right now. His psychotic ex sub attacked me and he stayed back with her after she attacked me. More worried about her and becoming a dom again. The anger pulses through me. My machines start to beep and I'm feeling light-headed again.

"Christian, what happened?" Grace comes in quickly, her high heels clicking on the floor. "Your blood pressure if incredibly high, Ana. You need to remain calm. Take a deep breath in."

Fat chance Grace. Your son chose a psychopath instead of me. Choosing to tend to her and not me. I wonder if she knows what happened. I take that damned deep breath in and release it slowly. And then I do it once more. The beeping slows on the monitor back to a normal range.

"No getting upset. You need to remain calm," she simply states, serious. She looks to Christian. "No upsetting her, Christian. Or, I will have you leave."

Damn Grace. Standing up the Mr. Control Freak himself. I kinda like her even more. Christian looks down and nods. She leaves again, leaving us to this awkward silence.

My head is doing this throbbing thing again. It's a constant throb that is getting more intense. Oh boy. I grab the bedside remote and push the button.

"Yes, Ana?" Grace asks politely.

"My head, it hurts, a lot," I manage to get out sounding a little better this time. Christian looks at me like I'm about to break or something. He's worried.

"I'll get you something for the pain."

"Ana, I'm so sor-"

"Christian, please don't apologize. I know her doing this was in no way your fault. She is deranged. But, I am upset about you choosing to stay back with her. And you chose to…" I look around to make sure Grace hasn't returned. "You chose to treat her as a submissive. I was bleeding and checking on Taylor and you remained with her. What did you do?" I ask, not sure I want to know.

He opens his mouth to speak and is interrupted when Grace walks in. "Ana, this will knock you out here within the next half hour. We've notified your work that you have been hospitalized and will need at least most of this week. Please just rest and let us take care of you."

I nod, thanking her. What I wouldn't do to get some rest. Actual rest. Not likely in this hospital with what has happened. She uses my IV port and injects me with the pain medicine. "I'm on call tonight, so if there is any issue, I will be in an on-call room down the hall."

I thank her again and she disappears. I look at Christian half expectantly and half irritated. My biggest fear is that I'm not going to be enough for him, ever. With the dom/sub stuff and because I'm just a naive assistant to an editor at a small publishing company. He's a huge business man. How can someone like me be what he needs? The beeping starts again and I take the deep breaths.

"I needed to get her attention, Ana. I needed to see me the way she used to, not as someone trying to defuse the situation. Think of it as a distraction technique. We did nothing. I helped her get cleaned up and turned her over to the police. She is being evaluated by a psychiatric hospital recommended by Dr. Flynn and then will be in jail."

I sigh, somewhat relieved. I'm placated for now, as I can feel the medicine start to kick in. I pat the side of the bed, wanting him to lay with me. He takes of his jacket and shoes. I scoot over, allowing him to lay in bed with me. He envelopes me in his arms and I allow myself to be comforted by his embrace.

I drift off, knowing very well he and I have a lot more to cover.

By Thursday afternoon, I'm in the comfort of my own bed. I'm feeling much better. Still a little weak and dizzy but Grace said that is to be expected. Kate has been a godsend. She came straight from the airport to my bedside and has been taking great care of me. She filled me in on all the fun she had in Barbados and brought me some more drafts from my house so I could fill the time while hospitalized. She has completely cleaned our apartment and made it feel like home again.

Christian was in and out of my room all week as well. He would work and come straight to me, spending every night with me. We haven't spoken much. Just spent time together. Sometimes just the feel of him near me made me feel much better. He's been with me every night. That has to stand for something. I still wonder if I'm enough. But, I push that aside, as I know he isn't just seeing me out of obligation. He loves me. Told me every night. And I just have to realize I'm enough.

Christian installed a security system in the apartment and has a security guard around me at all times. One is stationed outside my apartment, now actually. Kate rolled her eyes, but agreed to it. I think he was a little put off that I wouldn't come back to Escala with him. There was no point, really. He has the security system installed and Kate spent all this time cleaning it up. Plus, I needed time to think. Think about all of the Christian stuff. We had just gotten back together, to a place where I was okay with. Just seeing him slip into the dom role so easily has been bothering me. He keeps telling me that there is nothing for me to worry about. It was to keep her from harming anyone else. But, I have my doubts. I think he likes it.

I've been scrolling through the channels for about 20 minutes. Kate comes in with a package.

"Ana, this came for you. I think it's from Christian," She says, holding out a medium sized moving box. Attached is a card. I open that first.

'I know you need some time. Here is your computer and your blackberry. Maybe it will help with the boredom and help you open up to me. I love you, Anastasia. Laters, baby.'

I smile. Kate helps me open the box and we get it all set up again. I pull up my email and type one quickly to Christian.

**To: Christian Grey**

**From: Anastasia Steele**

**Subject: A Thank You Is In Order**

**Christian,**

**Thank you for the computer and the blackberry. This will most certainly help with the boredom of recovery. I just need a little time. I'm unsure if I can be what you want. It was so easy for you to return to the role of dom. That's what you enjoy, what you know. I know I cannot do things like that again.**

**Very Grateful,**

**Anastasia Steele**

I sigh as there is an almost automatic reply.

**To: Anastasia Steele**

**From: Christian Grey**

**Subject: All I Need Is You**

**Anastasia,**

**All I need is you. All I want is you. I don't need that other stuff. I want the hearts and flowers. The more, with you. I am at my office today if you need anything. What do I have to do to prove that to you?**

**You're Most Welcome,**

**Christian Grey**

**CEO Grey Enterprises Holdings, INC.**

I close the laptop smiling. Again I sit here thinking that maybe I am enough. All this outside bullshit that is happening doesn't change the way I feel about him. So, why would it change him and his feelings. Maybe I'm being too harsh. I have a plan.

I shower and straighten my hair. I know he likes it straight and long. I need to see Christian. Tell him that I'm done with this back and forth. I need to explain to him these insecurities and get them quashed once and for all. He's being patient but I doubt he can be forever. I throw on a little make up for good measure. Kate give me the okay in my jeans and knee high brown boots. I have on a white t=shirt with a scarf and my matching brown jacket. I want to look good, after being in the hospital and looking like a hot mess. It feels good wearing good clothes and I feel great. No worries about my condition any longer. I haven't had a headache since tuesday and Grace said to take it easy. Doesn't mean I have to stay in bed, does it?

I'm going over to his office and letting go of all this crap. What we have, you don't find just anywhere. And I don't want to lose him or push him away any longer. I exit the elevator and notice the R8 outside. I see it's Taylor's turn outside my apartment. He exits the drivers seat quickly and is at my side. He looks great, no signs of injury anywhere.

"Miss Steele. What are you doing out here?" He asks, shocked to see me.

"Well, I need a ride to GEH. Think you can help?" I ask, smiling. He returns the smile. He opens the door for me and we are on our way. The soft sound of Aron Wright and JIll Andrews version of 'We Built this City' fill the car. I notice it's my iPod plugged in. I haven't felt this relieved and content in a while. I've been making Christian feel guilty for no reason. I am fine and he wasn't hurt. I need to remember to be more grateful for him. Not lead him on or get him messed up with the thoughts in my head. I've over complicated all of this. And no more.

We pull up to GEH and Taylor escorts me through the building. I'm grateful as I no longer has to stop at one desk, being sent to another to another. We exit the main elevator and make our way across the 20th floor to the doors of Christian's office. Taylor takes a seat outside the office and I take a deep breath, ready to see him. To show him just how grateful I am.

I open the doors and notice Christian putting on his suit jacket.

"Ana, I didn't expect-" he says smiling. Something's off though. He's giving me a worried smile. He looks to his in office bathroom as the door opens.

"Christian, I'm so glad we got to do this today…." and there she is. Elena.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Beware of the language in this one. Thanks for the reviews!

Are you FUCKING kidding me? This cannot...I mean…seriously. WHAT THE HELL?! I'm so done. SO VERY FUCKING DONE.

Elena shuts her trap and looks at the two of us. Is that a faint fucking smile on your face bitch? Seriously?! I look to Christian. He sees my reaction to this whole situation and the smile greeting me is now gone. I walk up to him, smack him right across his fucking beautiful face, and get the hell out of his office.

I make a run for the elevators, even before Taylor notices. I'm in the elevator fuming. Oh for fucks sake. I make it to the main level and bee-line for the front doors. I don't even bother awaiting Taylor. I just run until I'm out of breath and slightly dizzy. Holy shit. The sky has opened up and began raining since I went into GEH. So of course, I'm soaking wet now. I stop in an alleyway, hunched over catching my breath, and puke my guts out. Ugh. This sucks. I don't even remember where I'm at. I make it back to the sidewalk and look around. Great. I'm like 10 blocks from my apartment with Kate and the rain is picking up. I have no option. If I stop, he'll find me. If I keep going, he'll find me. I make up my mind what to to next and briskly walk to the apartment.

I inform Kate of my plans and begin packing. I cannot even believe this has happened. You mean to tell me a man I've fallen madly in love with enjoyed beating me and I left him, so he comes crawling back and then I get attacked by his crazy ex sub, figure I'm being too much over thinking things, and so get out of the damn hospital to find him with the queen of dom's?! Are you fucking KIDDING ME? What did I do? Seriously? Who did I piss off? Karma really is a bitch.

I am finished packing when I hear Kate's raised voice. "You've done enough, don't you think, Christian?" Oh great.

He opens the door to my room and looks at me. Dead in the eye. His face changers from determine to, what is that? Fearful? Well, all I can say is that I hope I'm portraying anger and the "go fuck yourself" attitude that I feel.

"Ana-"

Through gritted teeth, I stop him. "Don't 'Anastasia' me. I have been in a constant battle with myself since a few weeks ago when I originally walked away from you. I have felt nothing but inadequate. I have constantly felt as if I am not enough for you. And every single FUCKING time I tell myself to get over my gut feeling, you have some stalker ex attack me or are with another ex "adjusting" yourselves in your office. I am so done, Christian. Do not follow me. Do not even think of saying another word to me. You have broken every promise you have given me and have hurt me more than anyone else has," I take a breath. And throw his blackberry at him in the process. "Do not call me. I am leaving town. I have quit SIP. Don't go looking for me there. Leave me alone," Woah, I feel sorta better.

I think for the first time in Christian Grey's life, he is speechless. He says nothing. Maybe now he can hurt a fraction of how he hurt me. His word has meant nothing. He never loved me. That feeling makes me want to heave, again. I gave myself to a man who could never find me to be enough. And even knowing that, I let him take me. Claim me. I must be pretty stupid, a glutton for punishment, or all of the above. I mean seriously. I do not need this in my life. I am barely out of college, already quitting my first real job, and all because of a man. I am better than this. I will not continue to be treated like this.

Georgia, here I come. I breeze past him, bag in hand, and he grabs my arm. I tense immediately. I turn to him and he gives me a look of desperation that tugs at my heart. I know he's going to have the nightmares again. But, I also know he made his bed. And I cannot be what he needs.

"Ana, I swear to you, it's not what it seems. We didn't-" he starts.

"-Christian. I'm done. If these are the types of people you associate with, psychopaths and child molesters, I refuse to be apart of it. One of them attacked me and put me in the hospital, and all you could think of was becoming her dom for a few moments. Your Mrs. Robinson can have you. I'm tired of fighting to mean something to you." There, I said it. I'm tired of fighting for him. And it's the truth.

He still has my arm and I rip it from his grip. The tears escape my eyes as soon as the door shuts leaving him in my apartment and Kate leading me to her car. I have no idea if I'll ever see him again. And the thought scares me. In the short time we've been together, I cannot imagine my life without him in it or having not met him. And the thought makes the tears fall harder.

Kate reaches over and rubs my hand. "Ana, get away. Clear your head. You have been through a lot of BS. I know you are quite personal and choose not to share all of it, but in the last almost 5 years that I've known you, you have never been this distressed about anything. Go, take this time, and get back to the girl you were before you met this asshole. You deserve so much better.." she trails and my mind is blank. Filled with nothing.

And I bask in the nothingness. I barely register the fact that I'm headed to the gate or taking my seat. Of course, it is first class again. And the thought pisses me the hell off. I just want a peaceful flight and to get to Georgia. I want to tell Christian to go fuck himself. I pull out the laptop that I kept and draft an email. And then decide, why in the hell am I thanking him for this?! He's the reason I'm leaving on a plane to Georgia in the first place. ARGH. I cannot wait until I get the hell out of the "Land of Christian Grey" and his influence. It'll be refreshing.

I want to feel the sun on my skin and relinquish this anger. This is an escape I need. So, I order a few drinks on the flight and charge it to him. Fuck you then, asshole. At this point I just don't care.

The flight begins its take off and I grip the seat. Take off is the worst. As we're up in the air, I decide to close my eyes. I know I won't sleep very well, considering the circumstances but I just do not care. I am just blank. There's not a good thought forming in my mind. Not good or bad. I'm just here. On this plane, headed to Georgia. I'm not forming the thoughts I was earlier. It's just all blank. And I relish it for the time being.


	11. Chapter 11

I'm in the doctors office, and I'm pacing the patient room I'm in. I'm here because of all the vomiting and nausea I've been having. I know what this is. But, I'm too afraid to say it aloud.

I've been gone from Seattle for six weeks. And for the last six weeks all I've done is bask in the independence. Every thing with Christian was so quick. One day kissing the next day making love. It's like there was no in between with him. All or nothing. And, if I'm being honest, I miss him. I've got my ticket back to Seattle. He informed me that on the day I left that Elena had spilled wine on herself and was fixing herself in the bathroom. He did remind me they were business partners. I explained to him that it hurts me having her around. I want to punch her in the throat if I'm being honest.

We have spoken every night since I left. We've been able to grow our relationship with the distance. Strange, right? I haven't told Christian anything yet. I want to be sure. He is going to freak the hell out. A little over six weeks ago, I recall throwing by birth control he put me on across the room. That wasn't that smart was it? I had forgotten to take a few days worth beforehand and I figured, hell what's the point?

I want to have a concrete answer as to what is going on with me, so I'm at the doctor then headed to the airport. Mom's always seem to know. She made the appointment with the OB-GYN and here I am. She said I just looked different. I just started feeling shitty about two weeks after getting here.

While I've been here, Mom and I delved into some of my issues. For a woman who has been married so many times, I'm glad she can give some real good insight. She basically told me to quit making so many assumptions. She said I never let him explain completely what happened, I just left. Without going into too much detail, she also told me that leaving his home after the red room incident was also childish. It hurts, being called childish. But, it's what I needed to hear.

After six weeks of being on my own, Christian and I have really been able to communicate. With our slight age difference, I'm surprised he's been so patient. I just want to assume the worst and he has just sat by with more patience that I thought possible for one person. Mom made sure I understood how to communicate better. She's really helped me. She explained this whole going back and forth was doing nothing but harm to me and my relationship with Christian. She basically told me to chill out and not to assume the worst.

It's easier said than done, but I assured her I would. I'm leaving the appointment with a new concern: being pregnant. Oh great. I bet Mr. Wonderful is going to love this. My phone buzzes and it's my mother texting me. 'Just make sure you talk with Christian. He loves you." She knew this first hand as he has called and spoken to my mother. He was beside himself when I left, to which I still feel guilty over. She explained how I have my father's temper and her flair for the dramatic. She has told me time and time again that a man doesn't do something he doesn't want to or out of obligation. "Men don't operate that way, darlin'" I recall her saying quite a few times in my head.

I've taken the taxi to the airport and again in check in am upgraded. This time, I'm much more excited about it. As I'm waiting the the first class waiting area, I open the laptop and am surprised I have an email from him.

**To: Anastasia Steele**

**From: Christian Grey**

**Subject: You**

**Anastasia,**

**I'm excited to see you tonight. Taylor will be picking you up from the airport and bringing you to dinner with me. If that's okay with you. I love you and look forward to having you back in my arms tonight. I have a surprise for you.**

**Yours,**

**Christian Grey**

Oh, do I have a surprise for you as well.

**To: Christian Grey**

**From: Anastasia Steele**

**Subject: Tonight**

**I, too, am looking forward to being back with you. I love you too, Christian. In case I lose my nerve, I just want you to know that I'm grateful for the space you've given me for these last weeks. I've missed you terribly. No more running or assumptions. It's just us. I look forward to dinner and I'll see you soon.**

**Love,**

**Anastasia Steele**

I put the laptop away as I hear my flight being called. I stand and reach for the ultrasound in my pocket. Our blip. Now, he's not going to happy. But, I just need to communicate and not run at the first sign of trouble. I need to grow up, especially now.

Hours later the plane lands and I'm oh so ready to get off this plane and see Christian. I look around the terminal and I'm not spotting Taylor. But, there's Christian. He's sex on legs. MMMMMMMM. Six weeks have done him good. Looks like he's been working out, for sure. He has his signature slacks with a button down and jacket on. Good thing I remembered to at least put on a dress.

He's quickly next to me and kisses me passionately. Like I'm the only person in the world. And I melt.

"I thought you said Taylor would be picking me," I ask playfully, he slides his hand into mine and I smile.

"Change of plans. My meeting got out earlier than expected and I wanted to be the one greeting you after your trip," he says, animatedly. This is the Christian I so easily fell in love with. Let's just hope he'll maintain this mood after what I have to tell him.

We escape SEA-TAC and he gathers my belongings and puts them into the back of the Audi SUV. He opens my door for me and immediately put on my seatbelt. I'm a ball of nerves. Holy shit.

"Are you okay Ana?" he asks.

"Wha-yes I'm fine," I'm chickening out and this is something I cannot just chicken out of. 'No more running' my subconscious reminds me.

He plays some soft music and we're off. It's only about 7pm in Seattle on a Friday evening. I love this city. I've missed my home. He reaches for my hand and I intertwine our fingers, giving him a reassuring look. He smiles back at me, a relaxed smile. With us, it's always been so complicated. He told me he's been seeing Dr. Flynn 3 times a week to try and get over some of his issues as well as understand mine better. It seems that it has been working. I let out a sigh and enjoy the ride to wherever we're going to eat.

It's not long and we're pulling up to Escala. I look at him confused.

As if reading my mind, he says, "It's a part of your surprise."

I smile. This man amazes me at every corner. Lord knows I don't understand how he could still want to be with me, let alone be so patient with me.

"I've been waiting for you to come home. Had some time to think," he begins letting me out of the car. We're at the elevator and he continues. "I want you in my life Anastasia. Just you and me. I do not want to lose you again. I'd like it if you'd move in with me." He hands me a small box. I open it and it has a pin on it for me to get into the penthouse.

I smile up at him. "Yes, of course." I whisper and he leans in kissing me again with renewed passion. The elevator dings and we must come apart. He leads me into the apartment and I notice a table with white linen adorning it. One simple candle in the middle and dinner set out for us, still steaming from its freshness. I smile at him and he pulls out my chair for me. This six week separation has done wonders.

He joins me across the table and we begin in silence. He pours wine and I immediately tell him no thank you. He looks at me funny for a moment but does not pry. I need to tell him. I just agreed to move in with him. What in the hell?! I take a bite of my sirloin and it melts in my mouth.

"Christian, I have something I need to tell you," I say, fear sweeping over me. He notices my change in mood. I don't know how to say the words. So, I walk over to him and hand him the ultrasound picture.

The next few moments he is silent. His face is an array of emotion. He just stares at the picture. His next words I did not expect.

"Its-is it-is the baby mine?" he asks, shock emanating from his voice. "We haven't since…" his voice trail off, looking at me. A tear escapes the side of his face. "You are keeping it, correct?" he asks.

Now would be the time for me to muster some kind of answer.

"Conception was right before the incident with Leila. The week prior I had stopped taking my birth control as we had broken up. And yes, I am keeping this child," my words are straight to the point. I still do not know how he feels about this.

He sighs as if he's been holding his breath, awaiting my answer. There is no other option for me Christian.

"I love you," he whispers and grabs my waist and puts me in his lap. "I'm scared shitless here. But, I love you. That's all that matters right now."

This is not what I was expecting. Holy crap. No yelling or kicking me out? No saying I did this on purpose or something? Wow, he really has had time to talk with Flynn.

"You-we're, I mean you're okay with this?"

"I'm pretty shocked here, Ana. That's for sure. But I want you. And baby here. We can make this work, please don't leave me again," he whispers that last part.

I get off his lap and lead him into the bedroom. He looks at me confused and I give him the 'trust me' look. I have him sit on the bed and I straddle him. He communicates much better physically. My actions have taken a toll on him, as well. I need to reassure him, the only way I know how.

"Never, Christian. I'm sorry for all the pain and hurt I put you through by leaving. I just found all this out this morning and wanted to wait to tell you in person. I know it's a lot. I'm still processing a lot of this myself. We can do this, together," I think that's the most I've spoken in awhile.

He grabs my face and brings it to his. "Marry me, Anastasia," he murmurs between kisses. "You've told me everything I need to hear. Everything I could possibly want to hear and more. I want to do this right. I have loved you since you stumbled into my office."

I'm taken aback. Never would I have thought he would ask me that or have this reaction. We have awhile to process this and now we can do it together.

After a moment, I moan yes to him as he begins touching me, rubbing his hands up and down my legs. All I know is that I want him. I'm only ever going to want him. And baby blip here. He stands and I wrap my legs around his waist. He lays me down and slips off my dress and underwear quickly. He quickly rids himself of his clothing and he is positioned at my entrance, awaiting some sort of approval.

I reach up and kiss him. "Make love to me Christian, make me yours again." And he does. I've got everything I need or could ever want in this man.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: I have a "soundtrack" I've put together on youtube for this story. Just some songs I think fit and that I used in this story. Again, not mine, just borrowing. It's here: playlist?list=PLlrVVLQ0Ytc7pRrheG4nL3mD2k00-fKS7

A/N: This is a very very short chapter, but I do plan on updating again soon. HOLY TIME JUMP BATMAN! No more week hiatus. I've begun a new job and am swamped. Thanks though for the continued support from some of you.

To say things were perfect, after our reunion a few months ago, would be a lie. Mainly his sister flipped out on us after she found out we eloped through the media. But, we did let her throw us a reception. I chuckle at the memory. I am now six months pregnant, married, and enjoying a life that I never thought possible.

Christian and I argued about a few things after that reunion. One being me working. As I recall, we were at each other's throats about the topic. Well, that was until the doctor told me to limit my activity. Dr. Greene called it partial bed rest. When it comes to our little boy, yes I said boy, we won't take any risks. So, I obviously gave in at that point. No sense in arguing. I am not to spend a lot of time on my feet due to my high blood pressure issues I've had since finding out I was pregnant. No stressors for me.

If you would have told me half a year ago that my life would be this way, I would have laughed at you and called you a liar.

"What about Theodore?" Christian asks. I ponder it and pull out my phone, adding it to the Yes List.

"It's not bad. What about Brody?" Christian looks at me and rolls his eyes. Okay, no Brody. We add names to our list that we both like, so we don't forget them. "Samuel?" he shrugs his shoulders and I add it to the list. We figure if we make this list, then we can narrow it down from there. We play this game often, ever since we found out the sex of our not so tiny blip anymore. I'm showing ever so slightly, grateful for my physique.

We've been seeing Flynn a lot these last few months We've been able to be brutally honest with each other. At times, it's been great. Other times, I just wanted to run for the hills. Who knew Christian could also be so self-deprecating? We share that in common, apparently. Never would have guessed someone with so much power and strength could feel like that. He explained to me all about his mother and more detailed about his abuse and neglect. He explained to me that he had almost given up on us at one point. I found that one particularly hard to hear. He explained to me how my leaving to Georgia caused him to drink heavier than he had before. He said the only thing that kept him together was our phone calls. He let me in more and more on his dark side and I was beginning to understand him a lot better.

"Nathan?" he asks and I smile. I like that name. I add it to the list. We're driving back from spending time on The Grace. This is our date for the week. Flynn prescribed us several ways to enhance our relationship, especially married. We decided that spending one leisure activity together once a week was a must. We also spend time together just watching the television or laying together reading the paper. Before I was put on this partial bed rest crap, we did more. We're making the best of it.

Our life has been relatively quiet in comparison to how it was awhile back. We have explored each other's pasts and bodies all the same. We have this unmistakable bond I just cannot explain. I am with the man of my dreams.

We still have some hurdles, sure. Everyone does, really. But, we're in a much better place. No more back and forth from me. I almost lost him, that was enough for me to get my shit together. That my back and forth was so hard for him, that he almost walked away. Scared me enough. Christian has remained as overbearing as every, especially now knowing I'm pregnant. But, he's relaxing about the little things. He's remembering that I am Ana and that I had a life before him. Not just with him.

"We're home, darling," he says softly to me, pulling me from my thoughts. He helps me out of the car and leads me to the elevator.

As the elevator shuts, he looks at me with that devilish grin. "You, my dear Anastasia, are a sexy, beautiful sight to see on the boat pregnant," he whispers to me, pulling his lips close to mine. I close the gap between us and kiss him, hard. I am rewarded with his moan, but all too soon the elevator stops on our floor. I'm sure Mrs. Jones or Taylor wouldn't want to see all of this!

He laces his hand through mine and we get off the elevator and into the apartment. He takes our belongings and puts them away. It was nice to get away for the day.

"You. Either park it on the couch or in bed. We are going to relax the rest of the night. Go get changed and I'll reheat the casserole Mrs. Jones left us," Christian says, light-heartedly.

"Fine, fine," I grumble. My feet are pretty swollen and my back hurts. Oh boy. I'm starting to feel a little woozy. I sit on the bed for a moment, so the world will stop spinning. I kick off my shoes and rub my swollen feet. The dizziness has subsided and I get up slowly. I am moving a little slower nowadays. I bend over the pick up my shoes and there is a terrible ripping pain in my stomach. I straighten up and it returns. I let out a pain-filled groan and immediately my hand goes to my stomach. I look down and I see a trail of blood running down my thighs to my legs.

"Ana!" Christian screams, running to our room. All I can do is look at him in horror as he opens the door, seeing the scene before him. His terrified and pained face is the last thing I see before the world goes black.


	13. Chapter 13

Christian's POV (Italics for past tense)

Here I sit, scared to death for the love of my life and my child. After everything we have been through, I cannot believe this is happening. She just collapsed.

_I had just finished heating up the casserole left for us by Mrs. Jones. It looks heavenly, I'm sure mommy and baby are going to enjoy it. I set it in the warmer and await for a moment for Ana to finish getting changed. My, my this has been quite an interesting several months._

_From the moment I met Ana, I knew she was different. Of course I offered her the same type of "relationship" I had the others. As soon as I had that contract drawn up, I knew she was different. I was never really a hearts and flowers kind of guy. Get my fix, what I need from them, and move along. I'd become quite callous, hadn't I?_

_She scared me when she left the first time. Scared me shitless, as I thought I'd never get her back. Then she left a second time, after seeing Elena in my bathroom in my office. Talk about awkward. Those 6 weeks without her is something I never want to experience again. The drunkeness. The self loathing. I'm done with that and I was ready to be done with Ana if she couldn't get this shit settled within herself. I find it quite simple. I love her and she loves me. But, nothing is ever really that simple, is it?_

I'm stirred from my memories by my mother walking into Ana's room. I've held a bedside vigil since 16 hours ago, when she collapsed. A lot has happened since then.

"Christian, you should really go-"

"No!" This is my wife. I refuse to leave her. I sound like a child.

"The baby is.." she trails.

I whip my head around and look her in the eye. "What? The baby is what, mom?"

"In an incubator in the PICU. With being born 2 months early and the distress put on the baby from the placental abruption, the baby came out with the cord wrapped around it's neck. The baby…" my mom sniffles. This is her first grandchild, she, I mean we, should be more excited and joyous. Not stuck in the hospital with my wife and child clinging to life.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

_I was very happy today on the boat. Just relaxing. Just spending time together. No more drama, no more ex subs or Elena in our path. Just us._

_I hear some sound from the bedroom then I hear a loud groan. OH SHIT. I run as fast as I can and make it to the bedroom door. I open it and there is my beautiful wife. With a trail of blood coming down her leg, holding her stomach. she looks at me with nothing less than fear in her eyes and I'm momentarily stunned. What do we do? She passes out and I am quick to catch her before she hits the floor. There's more blood coming and quickly. I lay her on the bed and call 911 then my mother._

Ana has been sedated post C-section, allowing her body time to heal. She certainly needs it. She's okay. The baby is okay. And now I can breathe. They're still breathing. I'm permitted to breathe. She breathing tube was removed from Ana a couple hours ago post surgery, so that's a good sign.

"Can you take me to see him, mom?" I ask. I don't need her permission, I just need her strength to help me actually go. I don't want to leave Ana. But my son needs me too.

_I can't help but feel part of this is my fault. I took her on the boat today and am the cause of a lot of her stress. Or some of it. Our issues have been getting easier and easier to deal with with our open communication. However, yesterday at Flynn's office, it was my turn to communicate my turmoil. What I was going through, how badly I wanted, NO, needed her to make up her mind. How she had hurt me. Hence the relaxing time on the boat. As we arrive in the ambulance to Seattle's best hospital, I pray that I haven't inflicted too much pain on her._

I shake my head, coming back to the present. We haven't even picked out his name. I have yet to place eyes on him. It's all happened so quickly. First the ambulance ride, then C-section, then baby in PICU and a wife heavily sedated in ICU. I bear it all. What else can I do? Kate, Elliott, my father, and Mia have all been here and have gone back home for the evening. My mother refuses to leave my side. God I love her. My mother has saved me time and time again.

As we approach the PICU, I inhale sharply, preparing myself for what I'm going to see. Mom leads me to the little box my son has been kept in. She opens the sides and says I should talk to him. I grab a stool and get real close to my little guy. He looks so fragile. I touch his hand with my finger and start humming to him. I don't know what to say, so I hum him a lullaby and another. Mom says it's too soon to take him out of the incubator. No holding yet. Soon though, I'm sure. My boy is a fighter, just like his mother.


	14. Chapter 14

Fuck. This hurts. Hurts is an understatement, but no one came up with a better adjective. I open my eyes and notice I'm alone in a hospital bed. HOLY SHIT! I reach for my stomach and there are bandages. WHERE IS MY SON?! I start breathing rapidly and feel as if I'm going to hyperventilate. WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?!

I didn't have to wonder that for long, as he comes in my room and sees my panic.

"Shhhh..Ana. It's okay. Our son is in the PICU and he's fine. Just premature. Relax," he murmurs coming over to stroke my face. I instantly relax.

"Wha-what happened?" I ask groggily.

"I came into our room saw you gripping your stomach and you collapsed. That was right around 24 hours ago. You had a placental abruption," he replies.

I missed a whole day, our son's actual date of birth. Shit.

"He's beautiful Ana. He has your eyes," Christian offers, grin evident.

I smile. That's good. Real good. Ow. Ow. Ow. I've always been a weakling when it comes to pain, but SHIT! I'd never had a major procedure before. My son's okay. And now I'm okay knowing that.

"Are you in pain, Ana?" Grace asks. I didn't even notice she was there.

"Yes," I reply simply.

"Let's get you some meds for the pain," Grace states walking out of the room. Hmm, déjà vu. It wasn't much more than six months ago I was in this situation with Grace. Only it's a much better time. I have a child. A child with Christian. And I'm married. Gone is the fear of him leaving or having interference from an outside source. It's just the two of us, and our little guy.

I smile and Christian looks at me incredulously. "We have a healthy son and I have you," I replied simply.

He smiles back. "He needs a name, ya know."

Hmmm. We didn't expect this all to happen so soon. "I still like Nathan."

He thinks on it a minute. "Nathan what?"

"Nathan…..Raymond. Nathan Raymond Grey," I smile.

"Nathan Raymond Grey it is," he smiles in return. "I like it, Anastasia."

Grace returns with my medicine. Thank God. The distraction was nice, but this new mother is hurting.

She wordlessly injects my IV and it'll only be a matter of minutes.

"We have a name, mom. Nathan Raymond Grey," he beams.

"I absolutely love it," She responds. "Now, Ana. Little Nathan is in an incubator. He will need to be until he grows a little more. Being three months premature, he's got some growing to do. He is perfectly stable. Just a warning for when you go and see him. And you can do so tomorrow. I'd like your incision to heal a little more before getting you in a wheelchair," she states.

"Thank you for coming, for helping. I can't begin to than-"

She cuts me off. "No need to thank me. This is my first grandchild and you are like another daughter to me. I would be insulted if I hadn't been asked."

I smile at her. She walks off after a pat to my hand and leaves Christian and I.

"Medicine is starting to kick in, isn't it?" he asks.

"Yesss," I get out, with my head spinning.

"I have a couple of errands to run. I will be back. You sleep, Anastasia," he states, standing. He kisses my hand and I close my eyes.

My son is okay and my husband is here. I'll be just fine.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

A few days later, here we are. Back at Escala. Well, Christian and I are. Little Nathan has to stay back for at least another week. The doctor wants to ensure his lungs develop more. I didn't want to leave, however there was no medical reason for me to stay and Christian assured me that Grace would be his doctor.

As Christian pulls into the lot, the paparazzi snap a few photos. Ugh. Annoying, much? I can just read tomorrows gossip headline: _Anastasia Grey looks like SHIT coming home from the hospital._

I giggle internally at the thought. Christian parks the car and comes to help me out.

He grasps my hand. "Welcome home, Mrs. Grey."

"It's good to be home, Mr. Grey." I smile back at him. He has been nothing short of amazing. I can tell though, the stress of the situation has taken a toll on him. He looks a little worse for wear. His eyes are bloodshot, from what I can assume is the lack of sleep.

"What's wrong Christian?" I ask as we step off the elevator.

"Nothing, Anastasia," he simply states, as if that's the complete answer. He sets my bag down and removes his suit jacket. He came straight from the office when he found out I was being released. I think he's worried about Nathan and my recovery. I choose not to press the issue at this time.

He rubs his neck and reaches for a bottle of wine. With the meds I'm on plus the fact I'm breast-feeding, no wine for me. Not just yet. Soon though.

He grabs his glass of wine and comes toward me. "Come, let me show you something."

I follow and am rewarded when he takes me to our room. "I had this set up until we get his room together."

I look at the bassinet the is at the foot of the bed and the changing table just inside the bathroom. Our huge bathroom. There is a small dresser attached to the changing table with all of Nathan's onesies and loads of diapers and baby powder. Christian also took the liberty of getting me a Gucci diaper bag.

"Thank you Christian. I know this hasn't been easy with both of us in the hospital and a baby that came three months early. This is incredibly thoughtful!" I beam at him.

"Mia and my mother helped a lot. I was more here to put things together and tell them whether or not you'd like it," he returns my smile and kisses my forehead.

"I cannot wait to get him home Christian. It just doesn't feel right without him here."

"I know. He will be soon. His lungs just need time to develop and then he'll be here with us. Now. Let's gets something to eat and head to bed," he directs me into the kitchen and has me sit on the barstool. I must say, I'm at least happy to be home. It just won't be complete until Nathan is back with us.

He heats up a large plastic container with what I believe is spaghetti. He pours me a glass of water and gets to preparing our meal. As I see him pull out a bag of salad mix, I start to think about our latest turn of events. I've become a mother and now 3 months earlier than expected. I am a little nervous about this whole situation. I mean, Nathan wasn't expected in the least bit. Christian and I have finally gotten to a good place and in the matter of a few days I've become a mother of a premature infant in an incubator. Holy shit. Will this roller coaster ever end? I certainly hope no more hospitals for me. I couldn't be happier to be a mother, however I'm 22 years old and scared out of my mind. The feeling I had looking at Nathan was just pure love. An unquestioned happiness and pull towards my son. One I never thought I would experience. I mean I wanted kids, sure doesn't most people? But I didn't think I'd find the man of my dreams and then have his child in such a short amount of time. Nathan truly is a beautiful sight. And as soon as we get him home, I never want to be away from my baby boy again.

Christian grasps my shoulder and I'm taken from my thoughts. "Eat, Anastasia."

I look down and see a plate of spaghetti and salad and I'm immediately aware that I am starving. It was late afternoon when I was discharged and not eating lunch reminds me of my hunger. I'm sure Christian will be pleased he doesn't have to force me to eat.

After most of my plate is finished, he leads me to the bathroom and has me sit at my vanity. He scoots the chair out enough and lifts my shirt. I do not object knowing he needs to redress the wound on my abdomen. He quickly redresses it and lets out a sigh.

"What is it Christian?"

He stands back and offers me his hand as I get up from my vanity bench. "I miss him. I'm so glad you are home, I just wish we could've brought him home too."

I smile at him slightly. That would explain his moodiness earlier. "I miss him too. We both needed to get out of there for a bit. The only way I was okay with that though is knowing your mother is his doctor. He will be fine." And it's my turn to reassure him. Hmm.

He nods slightly. "I have some work to do. I'll be in my study if you need me."

I nod at him and he leaves our room. I slip into something a tad bit more comfortable. Leggings and a hoodie and my Ugg slippers. I keep thinking to myself that I am now a mother. Holy crap, I have a kid. Those thoughts keep coming at me and I giggle. I am so ecstatic to be a mother. Just afraid. I'm sure other parents are afraid as well. I will give this little man everything in the world.

I realize I just had a child a few days ago, but I'm also worried about my body. What if Christian doesn't like the changes I've gone through having had a child? What if my boobs are too big now? Or what if my scar grosses him out? Or worse, he seeks sex somewhere else because he's not pleased with the changes my body has made? I shake my head for a moment, knowing that that thought it insane. Or at least I hope it is.

I sit up in our bed and make good use of the TV. Since I was on partial bed rest, we had one put in here. And now I'm dying to see if anything else is on. Maybe I should enjoy these quiet moments, as I know they will be few and far between once Nathan gets home. I snuggle in, knowing well that it's going to be a long night without my son. I just cannot wait until tomorrow.


	15. Chapter 15

AN: Song does not belong to me, just borrowing for purposes of this story. Again, the characters also do not belong to me, but to E.L. James. Borrowing :)

I wake with a jolt. I feel it in my bones, something is wrong. Like an internal alarm. I look around and Christian is not with me. I shake off the feeling, knowing Christian is just in the other room as I hear the soft sounds of the piano playing. I grab my robe and head for the living room. And there he is.

I walk up behind him and put my hands on his shoulders, rubbing them slightly. With everything going on, I'm sure this has taken a toll on him much more than he is letting on.

He begins to sing and I'm taken aback at how just how talented my husband is.

_This years love had better last,_

_Heaven knows it's high time,_

_I've been waiting on my own too long_

_And when ya hold me like you do_

_It feels so right oh now_

_I start to forget how my heart gets torn_

_When that hurt gets thrown_

_Feeling like you can't go on_

He doesn't tense anymore when I touch him and I adore that. My fifty trusts my implicitly. A small smile comes across my face at this. He has grown so much and so have I. Gone are the Christian and Ana from before. Now we are parents to a beautiful infant and that's the only thing that matters.

_Turning circle's and time again_

_Cut like a knife oh now_

_If ya love me gotta know for sure_

_'Cause it takes something more this time_

_Than sweet sweet lies oh now_

_Before I open up my arms and fall_

_Losing all control_

_Every dream inside my soul_

_When ya kiss me on that midnight street_

_Sweep me off my feet_

_Singing ain't this life so sweet_

_This years love it better last_

_This years love it better last_

_'Cause who's to worry if our hearts get torn_

_When that hurt gets thrown_

_Don't ya know this life goes on_

_Won't ya kiss me on that midnight street_

_Sweep me off my feet_

_Singing ain't this life so sweet_

He closes his piano and silently grabs my hand. "Back to bed, Mrs. Grey."

I smile at him and kiss him, hard on the mouth. I have missed my fifty. I've missed his kiss and his touch. I snake my hands around his neck.

"Woah, Mrs. Grey," he says, voice thick with desire. "I want that too, however you are not completely healed. Let's get you back to bed."

Ugh. That's right. Just a couple of days ago my abdomen was wide open for the world to see and a child was removed. Duh, Ana. I'm a little hurt, though. I know he's only trying to be cautious. But, I'm wondering if that's all it is. If it's just because I'm healing or if it's because of the scar or the excess weight I've gained. I've only gained 20 lbs since becoming pregnant. But, I can't help but feel a little swollen and my ego deflated.

He takes me into the bedroom and we lay back down.

"What made you choose that song?" I ask, idly. He lays down behind me, pulling me to him.

"It reminded me of you," he whispers. His hand gently rubs my abdomen and my hips.

As soon as I get healed enough, I'm going back to the gym. Sheesh.

My scalp prickles and I feel off again, like something is wrong. Before I have the opportunity to question anything, Christian's cell is ringing.

"Grey," he answers and with the bedside lamp on I immediately see his face go from sleepy to awake. Something is very very wrong.

"We're on our way," he spits out and gets up. "Ana, it's Nathan.." he trails.

I am immediately on my feet, going to my closet to change. "What did they say," I plead.

"They said he's having some difficulty breathing…" Christian begins. He stops himself and I look at him expectantly.

"I knew we shouldn't have left.." I whisper. "What if hes…" and I cannot complete that sentence.

"Let's go see, Ana," Christian grabs my hand and we're off.

We both jog into the PICU. We look for Grace. Luckily, she's just around the corner from Nathan's room. I leave Christian with his mother and make a beeline to my child's incubator. He looks so small, so fragile. I need to see him, then I can hear what is going on. I open the little window and rub his arm with my finger.

"Mommy's here," I whisper. The guilt of leaving and for not being able to carry him to term is sinking in even more. This is my fault.

"Ana," Grace states, looking stone faced. That's not a normal look for her.

I turn to her and she gestures me out of the room to talk to her. I close the little window and walk over to her and Christian.

"I won't sugar coat this for you. He is having some breathing complications. We call it RDS. Respiratory distress syndrome," She begins and I pale. "We are assisting with his breathing, helping his lungs expand. We have to do surgery though as we are more concerned with his abdomen. He has what we call NEC or necrotizing enterocolitis. His abdomen is swollen and we ran some tests. We tried antibiotics but it is aggressive. We need to get in there and remove the damaged parts of the intestine. We've also begun phototherapy as he has jaundice." She is holding my hand and it's a gesture of support.

I think I'm going to be sick. My son is hurting and I am helpless. I nod, stunned and Christian and I make our way back over to our son. "I love you, Nathan." I haven't even gotten to hold him.

"I will come and update you as soon as I can," Grace states simply as they take my son away for surgery. I nod again and they are gone.

I stand there for a moment, stunned. What are we going to do? What if he..? I can't. I can't think like that. My son deserves better. He's a fighter and I will fight for him.

Christian looks at me and I assume he's going through the same things in his head. My heart is breaking for my son.

"I'm going to get us some coffee," he manages to get out.

He leaves and here I am in the PICU waiting room. I've never felt this useless before. There is nothing I can do for my hurting son. I pray he is okay. I pray he makes it through this.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Thank you to everyone who has favorited this story. I'm enjoying writing it. Still not sure which direction I'm going in just yet. Testing some waters here. Most of the feedback has been wonderful so thank you for taking the time to leave it.

I feel utterly useless. My son is in surgery, my husband picked quite inconvenient time to get coffee, and I'm battling these thoughts going on about my son. I have a physical ache in me. I can't see him, can't help him. I am useless at the moment and I definitely do not enjoy that feeling. I put my face in my hands and sob. Sob for my son, that I can do. Luckily this is the private waiting room for VIP's, so I have no one staring at me as if I've lost it. Well, I have lost it. I feel tremendous guilt for even leaving.

About a half hour later, my husband returns and the tears have slowed. "Ana.."

"Where were you?" I ask him tersely. "More business?"

He just stares at me for a moment. I knew he was a busy man, but this is NOT the time.

"I was getting things in order, Anastasia," he reponds curtly. This isn't good. We shouldn't spend this time angry with eachother. We have to stick together, for our son. "I was updating Ros. Since I won't be in for awhile and notifying Taylor…" he whispers. He is staring at the ground looking like a small child being lectured. This is all he can control, so I guess I should back off and give him that.

I shake my head and pat the seat next to me. "I'm sorry. I'm just scared...what if.." I whisper in return.

He shakes his head. "That is our little boy. He's going to be just as stubborn as you. He's getting the best pediatric treatment here. We just have to be patient…." he says as he taps his foot impatiently. He's just as nervous as I am.

Christian's begins to rub my back and I feel a little better. He hands me a cup of coffee and I hiss at the foulness of it. Better than nothing. I am restless. I stand and begin to pace.

Four hours later, Grace comes through the doors and Christian and I both bolt to her. She removes her scrub cap and has a somber expression on her face. And the tears start again.

"Ana, Christian. It's not looking good. He's stable for now but needing the ventilator. He is unable to breathe on his own. We were able to remove the infected part of his intestine. We are trying stronger antibiotics and now it's a waiting game. Until he can breathe on his own again, we will be watching him very closely. We hope with this new round of antibiotics he will kick the infection…." she trails off.

I feel as if someone has deliberately taken a dagger and stabbed me in the stomach and heart. My baby is barely hanging on. Christian looks at me and I fall apart. He grabs me and embraces me, tears of his own hitting my hair.

"The best thing you can do right now is pray," she adds.

"Can I-can we see him?" I manage through my sobs.

"He's being taken back to the PICU and as soon as we get him settled, I will come and get you," she responds, heading back through the doors.

I've never experienced pain like this before. And as I continue to sob into my husband shoulder, standing there in the waiting area, I silently pray. I pray for my son to recover. I pray for my husband and I to get through this. I pray for anything God will listen to.

Grace reappears about a half hour after our update. "Ana, Christian, you can see him now," she states simply and leads us the way we've already gotten so accustomed to. As we round the corner, I see him. So helpless. And I am as well. I am unable to take this pain away. Christian holds my hand as if I'm his lifeline and we both sit in the provided rocking chairs, staring at our little Nathan. He's just so tiny. He doesn't deserve any of this.

I put my hand on the incubator, yearning to hold him, and hoping for him to get better.

Grace returns and checks his vitals and the machines. "He is stable for now, Ana. I'm not leaving, I will be here for all of you, okay?" She asks and I look up at her. I am grateful for her. For everything she has done. I nod to her and give her a small smile. It's about all I can manage. I sit back in the rocking chair and just wait. I am hoping he can just pull through this.

"Christian, can I speak with you outside?" Grace asks. He removes his hand from my other hand and follows his mother. I return my gaze to little Nathan and watch has his chest rises and falls.

"What is it, Mother?" I ask. I want to be with my son and my wife.

"Christian, I didn't want to be the bearer of any more bad news, but…...this isn't looking good for little Nathan," she wipes a tear from her eye and continues. "If his breathing doesn't get any better...there may have to be some decisions you and Ana must make. We are doing everything we can, but honey, it's in God's hands at this point." She embraces me immediately.

I am utterly in shock. My son is holding on by a thread. My wife is in pieces. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

I step out of her embrace and nod in acknowledgment. I don't know what else to say, or even do.

"Like I said, I'm going to be here until the morning in case something happens. I will keep you up to date on what is happening, I swear to you. Go be with Ana. She's going to need you."

I nod again, my voice failing me. "I love you Christian," she states and walks back to the nurses station.

I take a minute and just watch from outside the PICU. Ana has at least stopped crying for the moment but she is nearly broken. How can I fix this? I can't. And I'm frustrated as hell by that. Looking at Nathan, I pray silently that he will pull through. If not, I don't think either of us will be the same.

I take a deep breathe and return to my rocker next to Ana. She turns to me and exhales, as a sign of relief I've returned. I nod and give her small smile. That seems to be all either of us can give at the moment. She puts her hand back in mine and all we can do is wait. And I've never been a patient man.


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: I've got some opinionated readers! I love it. Thanks for all the reviews!

"Christian! The last time we went home, we had to hurry back here! He needs us!" I yelp. I realize I'm being slightly unreasonable. I'm just afraid to leave him.

"Ana, please. Let's go home, freshen up, sleep a couple hours and come back. Mom will be back here soon. He will be fine," Christian pleads.

This whole situation has taken a big toll on our new marriage. Neither of us expected to have any of this happen and neither of our stubborn mind-sets are ready to work together. We've been back here for two days straight. Taylor brought us a change of clothes that first morning after rushing back here, but we could definitely use some showers and a little rest. My son is still on the ventilator but Grace is pleased with his progress with the infection. She said he'll come off of them soon. I need a miracle here. Grace already told us he is going to be in here for at least another month. Guess Christian and I should get used to this routine.

I sigh. "I just feel guilty….". I look to him, "I'm sorry I've been so short, Christian. Let's go home and freshen up. Kate and Elliott said they'd stay with him." And they did. They came a few hours ago, offering any kind of help. At first neither of us wanted to leave. Elliott convinced Christian it was best that we take care of ourselves in order to take care of baby Nathan. They're right, I know. I just am at a loss here.

Christian grasps my hand. "We'll be back here soon, Anastasia." He looks tired. Very tired. I bet I do too. He's truly been a rock these last several hours or days. Time really has no meaning when you have a sick child. He leads me to the car and Taylor gets behind the wheel, driving us. Thank goodness.

I'm startled awake when the car comes to a halt. Looks like we're in the Escala parking garage. Must've fallen asleep. Apparently Christian did too, as he too is startled awake. We are both exhausted.

We finally make it upstairs and we both silently make our way to the bathroom. We shower together, though it's nothing sexual. We dress for bed and then lay down. He gingerly kisses me goodnight.

"No matter what happens, Ana, I love you and our son. I will do what I can to protect the two of you," he murmurs, half asleep. And for the first time in days I smile slightly. I love this man. Who I've become with him, what we are together. We are a team and we must remember that. Nathan needs us. And then I fall into a restless sleep, awaiting our time to see our son again.

It has been a very long six weeks. Barely any sleep, or any good sleep. Nathan is coming home tomorrow. After so many setbacks, my baby boy will be coming home and I couldn't be more thrilled. It's as if a weight has been lifted from me, from us. Christian is even excited. I've got to tell you, I felt pretty defeated these last few weeks. Christian and I have let a wedge come between us because of this. We have just drifted apart in our relationship, trying to invest all of our energy into Nathan.

Tonight that is going to change. Grace assured us that she would have close eye on him. Grace insisted we take the night off, prior to bring our son home. Do some reconnecting as a couple. I thought it was a great idea. So here I am, applying the last of my blush and mascara. I've chosen a pretty, black sleeveless boat-neck dress that goes to my knees. And a matching jacket and heels. I see Christian picked out a dark gray suit with a baby blue tie. He begins to tie it, but I come over and put a halt to his movements. I want to show him how much I've appreciated him these last months. Want him to know how much I love him. I take the tie in my hand and begin to tie it for him.

"You look quite handsome, Mr. Grey," I tell him playfully. I pat his chest when I finish and turn to grab my purse. Although his hand stops me.

"And you look stunning, Mrs. Grey," he whispers into my mouth as he pulls me in for a searing kiss.

I've missed this connection with him. We need to rebuild what we neglected. Reconnect, recharge. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull myself closer. We can finally relax. I pull away momentarily and whisper "I love you". A tear escapes through my lashes and he is quick to wipe it away. We stand there just holding each other for a moment. Remembering ourselves as husband and wife. I feel relief and I know he does as well.

He releases me after who knows how long, and grabs my hand.

"Let's have our date, shall we?" he asks, throwing me that gorgeous smile of his. I let him lead me to the elevator and to the car for dinner.

Christian orders for us. And I'm lost again to my thoughts. Christian had Gia come and finish Nathan's room. It's adorable. Light blue coloring the walls with a crib and everything Nathan could ever need. He even had it fully stocked. I'm sure he had that taken care of while I was sitting with Nathan. There for awhile, I wouldn't leave his bedside. Every other day maybe for a few hours for showering and sleep, but that was it. Christian really took care of everything. God knows I'm grateful.

The waiter comes and pours the wine. We haven't really spoke that much, just enjoying each others company. Feeling each others presence. It's moments like this I'm so glad I found Christian. He truly is my rock. After everything we've been through, he still loves me, faults and all.

He sits next to me, instead of across from me. We revel in the closeness. It's like we're first dating again. Which wasn't all that long ago, but hell, it feels like a lifetime after all we've been through.

His hand snakes up my leg, pulling me yet again from my thoughts. He smirks at me. A true Christian smirk. And it leaves me almost panting in anticipation.

"One track mind, Mr. Grey," I smirk back.

"Only when it comes to you, Mrs. Grey," he replies. I suddenly only have an appetite for my husband. When he looks at me, it's as if I'm the only person in the world. Thank goodness our food is here. Now that I'm finally healed, I was hoping we could reconnect more than just emotionally. This is how we talk out our problems, showing each other love like we never thought we deserved. And I'm ready to skip dinner just to feel him inside me, making me whole again.

We set a Guinness World Record with that dinner. At so quickly that we took the rest to go and we are practically racing back home. When we get in the elevator, he quickly pins me to the wall. He lifts me slightly and I wrap my legs around him and my dress hikes up. I can feel his erection and I moan loudly into his mouth.

"I want to spend tonight just loving you, Ana," he tells me between kisses. I wrap my arms around his neck and tug his hair gently. He tilts his head and gives me better access to his neck. I dig my heels into his rear and push him closer to me, making him moan. Boy, have I missed this.

The elevator FINALLY dings at the penthouse and he tears me away from the wall, walking us quickly to our bedroom. I remove myself from him, standing on my heels. I need this. We need this.

He turns me around to undo my dress. I step out if it quickly. He unhooks my bra and I pull off my underwear. Please no foreplay, I just need you inside me! I turn quickly and undo his belt and rip it off his waist. He quickly rids himself of the offensive clothing and there we stand naked and face to face.

"I love you Ana. So much," and he crashes into me again. He brings me down to the bed and we are all limbs, caresses and kisses.

"I love you, Christian. Always," I murmur. I again wrap my legs around him, letting him know I'm ready for him. And for once, he's just as anxious. I quickly puts himself at my entrance.

"Look at me, Ana," he states as he sheaths himself inside me. I open my eyes and look at him. Everything we want to say is right there. In our eyes. Our silent conversation continues as he pulls out of me and quickly fills me again. This is the man I fell in love with.

He sets a hurried pace and I'm just as eager. The stress of the last several months being washed away by our connection. Our apologies to one another, our stresses are just melting away. This is all the communication we need.

"Come with me, Ana," and his voice mixed with our movements are my undoing. I come, hard and so does he.

He rolls off of me quickly and I lay my head on his chest. Thanking God for the gift that is Christian and our marriage, our connection.


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: I know some of you will be surprised. I have chosen to end this story. I think I've gone as far as I'd like to with it, so there is no point in extending it. Thank you to every reader for sure. Check out my other story "All Apologies" and look for me on FB by searching DNoelle FanFiction. Send me an add! I've got a few more things up my sleeve so stay tuned.

Nathan has been home for a whole month. No more setbacks. Christian and I are enjoying being parents to an almost 2 month old. My how time really does fly. I didn't believe that before I had a child. Time just seemed to drag on mostly. But, having a young one surely puts that in perspective.

Ever since we brought Nathan home, it's been wonderful. Christian just went back to work today. We are getting into a groove, that's for sure. Christian has become a fantastic father. He has changed his hours so he isn't working until late at night. He makes sure he's home at night for Nathan, and for that I'm grateful.

I'm still trying to figure out how to be a mother. It's a mixture of instinct and then knowing how to read Nathan. I'm getting the hang of it though.

As I stir the red sauce for our dinner, I turn the direction of Nathan's pack-and-play. I am so grateful to be his mother and that he is okay. Grace said he may have issues with asthma when he gets older, but she gave him a clean bill of health. I'll forever be grateful for her and all the time she spent treating Nathan. Probably a little unethical, but I'll take it. She saved my son's life. She reminded me that I had done the same for her. So I guess we're even, huh? I smile at that thought.

Christian has been talking about getting us a house near Grace and Carrick. As much as I love this place, it certainly isn't "family" friendly.

Since having Nathan, Christian and I have resumed a normal sex life. Or at least what is normal for us. Sans the play room. I'm so glad he got rid of it. I don't think I could ever go back in there. But, we still have some kink, that's for sure. I do like everything else we do. I smile at the memory of yesterday's activities.

_I wrap my lips around his cock and hear a satisfied hiss. Glad I can produce that type of reaction out of my husband. She pull him in my mouth completely and begin my ministrations. He fists my hair and yanks. "I need to be inside you."_

_Who am I not to oblige? I quickly get to my feet and he picks me up. I immediately wrap my legs around his waist and kiss him with every bit of passion I can muster_

"_Take me Christian," I whisper as he lays me on the bed. _

"_I can certainly do that, Mrs. Grey."_

I pull out the salad ingredients and quickly make a salad for us to enjoy. I bought a new baby doll for the bedroom, so I'm hopeful we'll get good use out of it this evening after baby Nathan is fast asleep.

Gone are the insecurities of just under a year ago. Replaced is the unyielding love I feel for this man, the father of my child. We are a happy little family. And I'll do everything I can to see that that continues.

I've decided to begin writing. I don't want to miss out on my sons life. So, with encouragement from Christian, I've started writing. Just little drabbles for now. Hopefully I can make something work. Christian was more than happy to support my decision. I don't think I could not "work" though. At least I'm doing something.

Gail has been a godsend. Anything I cannot figure out, she seems to know the right thing to do. We've given her and Taylor an all expense paid trip to Barbados. We occupy a lot of their time. It's time we show them just how much they mean to us. I'm not sure they know.

One thing this whole situation with Nathan has taught me is to make sure your loved ones know just how much they mean to you any time you can. You never know when that can be taken away.

I place the plates at the new dinner table Christian got for us, so we could eat as a family. Just a two seater, but with the high chair, that's all we need. When I finish with the table, I'm quick to put the garlic bread in the oven and stir the sauce again.

As I turn off the burner, I hear the elevator "ping". Christian is home.

"Good evening sweetie," I say, greeting him with a kiss.

"Good evening, Anastasia," he greets me as well. He wraps his arms around me and deepens the kiss. "God, I missed that today."

"It's only been a few hours, Mr. Grey. Just keep it in your pants until after we put Nathan down," I wink at him.

At the mention of our sons name, Christian goes to where the pack-and-play is. He immediately scoops Nathan up.

"Hey, little man! Daddy's so glad to see you," he coos. Oh yeah, Christian "coos"! Never thought I'd see that but it is wonderful how he is with Nathan. I know about a month ago after we brought Nathan home, Christian had a meltdown thinking he could never be a good father. After our very long and drawn out talk, he's taken to fatherhood like it is second nature.

I have been blessed, truly. I have the man of my dreams and an adorable son who is everything to me. Life couldn't be much better, could it? I know no matter what, I have a supportive husband and a beautiful boy who can get me through anything this world could throw at us.


End file.
